WOW

I'm finally blogging again!

Not that anyone will ever read this blog again after quite a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong break..

It's been... over a year now? Yikes! Another long holiday gone wasted, unlearned and unachieved. Oya, not to mention, unsaved.

Anyway, helo again dear Yati. You HAVE to change that photo on your right bar because you look so different now. You have changed quite too much- physically, mentally, emotionally and biologically.

I blame Hanafe for this (not like I don't blame him for everything else, hah!). And maybe by hectic photography course. Being with a much older guy and a very hands- on course pushed me over the edge of childish- Narnia, falling deep into adulthood that has a huge welcome sign that reads: Welcome to HELL!

Yes, no more clubbing, no more dates, no more being too financially dependant on mummy and daddy, no more too colourful, uncomfortable thongs and bras and no more eating constant nonsense like low- grade chocolates..

And welcome to prayer plans, grocery shopping with Hanafe, savings plans for marriage and my future studio, birth control, bigger clothes, new professional gadgets such as macbook pro(hopefully), hasselblads and mamiyas, and of course a real work- out schedule and good food like the irresistable NAMA dark chocolate from ROYCE..

07/08 in ADM was horrible (like the changes in CPF policies, hikes in GST and food price and the surprising Euro Championships) and still, I'm looking forward to 08/09 (to the worst- opposed Olympics in Beijing, an iceless north pole, hikes in fuel prices and ERP and hopefully, an end to the Iraq war and LKY's death)..

I've finally become too boring yet too opinionated and too judgemental: An adult. As Oprah would have put it: Giving birth to myself.

I hate myself..

NOT!

hahaha.. Ok, actually I hate the fact that I only blog just because I feel horrible and I need to let off steam..

So, yes, the long absense really equates to happiness.. And I'm just too drowned in it to document what happen and update or upload photos, which I shall promise myself that I will put up..

Anyway, in many ways, I think sadness brings about realisation, and realisation makes us think, makes us change.. Therefore, sadness is actually very good for us..

Why am I writing like this?

Because I have NOT been thinking, and thus NOT changing.. I have many many things to do while still in holiday but hell I'm lazy.. I shall make a check list so that when I read it again and REALISE I achieve to do NONE of them, I start thinking and changing:

1) Clean and paint my room
2) Paint Hanafe's and my canvas shoes
3) Read up on my next semester's modules
4) SAVE MONEY
5) Clear up last year's school stuff
6) HELP MY MOM AT HER SHOP
7) Pay back the puasa I owed last year
8) Ensure a new, better paying job
9) Practise shooting
10) Lose weight
11) Potty train Adreena

Damn that's alot.. Now I'm worried shit..

And talking about depression, Yayah's constant complaining about her boy troubles sparked many other unintentional coincidences: People of my past reappearing in text messages and my thoughts..

This is specially for Yayah.. If there's anything anyone in love should know, love never really ends.. No matter how much you fought with your ex or even got a divorce, somewhere in your heart you already carved their names.. You'll never forget them and sometimes, you wish that you could be with them again and forget anything bad ever happened, EVEN when you already found a new love.. This is because everyone is different, and every different love feels different.. Even if you try to regain the love by bringing your new love to the places you went with your ex and do the same things, the experience will differ and sometimes, may even get worse for it haunts you.. Know that love hurts and it will never end, but it fades.. So give yourself some time and space..

Pak gave me a very very good advice which I will take to my grave:

What if(s), is most often, a bitch.

So Yayah, do not live in your past and look ahead.. It may seem depressing that you felt as though to gave in alot to him and that you guys are a perfect fit but IF and only IF you are the only girl he's seeing at the moment...

Seriously, guys, the "timer" label is sooo passe, that girls like me don't give two hoots if you're a bloody Casanova with a 9- inch dick.. Always remember karma.. Two can play your game.. And always remember, you can NEVER be as hot as your girl can to ANOTHER man..

And girls, know that killing yourself for a man is not worth it, unless he's willing to do the same for you.. Stop loathing in self- pity..

I was reading a friend's blog who wrote something worth her shallow self (hehe).. Yayah, I hope this helps:

" Guys, do u realize that the girl who is holding onto u now is PERFECT in her own special way?

The way she laughs..
The way she sleeps..
The way she sulks..
The way she smiles..
The way she cries..
The way she thinks of you..
The way she tries to please you...
The way she sacrifices for you..
The way she wants to understand you..
The way she's lovin you with all her heart!

Always remember that.
She can always get up and walk away,
getting someone else who can love her more.
There might be someone out there..
who is willing to love her more than you are loving her now,
fulfill her every needs
and loves her as much as she loves you.
or maybe loves her more than she loves you..
but definitely lovin her more than u do!

For all you know,
there's already might be someone out there wooing her,
be it from a distance or as a gentleman..
but she is rejecting, coz she believes in perfect love..
for whom she will share her joys n tears together..
for whom she will promise to be faithful..
for whom she will commits herself to you..
To her, you're her perfect love!

Understand that.
Guys, you might be thinking that the love is fading..
you can't find the freshness between the two of you..
everything is stale to you now..
everywhere seems the same to you..
you said "been there done that".
so u went n look for another...
imagine this..
Behind her back,
you're hugging and kissing another girl..
When you see her today,
u do the same..
but you still see love in her eyes..
while others are just some flings.
Do you feel the hurt?
Can you feel the guilt?

for you must know..
every new thing brings an excitement to us..
only to find the boredoom n sick of it after we're being so used together..
She might not be feeling the hurt now,
coz she won't know..
She might be feeling something's not right,
coz she can sense..
but she's still holding on to you,
not becoz she's stupid,
not becoz she's dumb,
not becoz she's a fool..
but bcoz..
she believes u will not break her full-hearted heart..
she believes u will not let her tears flow..
she believes u will keep your promises..
she believes this is love!
She loves you not because you are pleasant looking, sweet talker, or that you have 5cs..
She loves you for who you are.
Your every touch,
every word you say,
everything you do.

She was born here imperfect..everyone was!
Only what she wants from u is almost perfect!
and she knows she can't do it alone...
it needs two hands to clap...

Guys,
For her,
being the upmost girlfriend is to endure your every moves,
your every moodswings,
your every words..
and actions.
Even dealing with the most unbearable pain
she will bear it for your sake..
but once she knows that the time is up,
she will leave you..
with the most unforgettable painful memories
u both had,
from the sweetest to the very last moment she had to leave,
bcoz of ur doings..

Guys,
Cherish and appreciate your girl.
Don't break her fragile heart.
She is the only one who can love you this way.
You won't wanna regret letting go of that special girl you have.
For everything she has done for you,
the least you can do is to give her unconditional love
as she has given to you..
coz u should know,
her love and sacrifice doesn't mean forever,
when she finally realised..
you are not worth her love,
she will leave u for the one who well-deserved her love..
Guys,
dun ever leave the one u love,
for the one u like..
coz one day..
the one u like will leave u,
for the one they love..."

Just an advice you already know: Becareful with this Hakim.

Fuck Birthdays

Feeling real heavy right now..

Yes, I am still feeling bad about spoiling my time with you.. But this post is more a pesonal reflection which I believe is important to document..

Anyway, I hope to find time to upload photos from the Bali trip..

Turning 21 is not so great after all.. For one thing, even at this age, I've achieved nothing.. And to make things worse, I've made my family, my sweetheart and even myself real unhappy today..

If only my mom could hear this, for I'm such a coward to tell her..

Ma, I truly love you.. By the way, happy mothers' day.. I am soo so sorry I didn't make it to dinner and even lied to you.. I just thought that since I already didn't turn up, I shouldn't spoil your day even more knowing where I've been and what I've done.. I think our conversation that night really pulled me back to Earth.. A real wake up call.. For that, I want to thank you.. Thank you ma, I really really love you.. Thank you for making me think about God, about love, about you and about my life..

I've been real stupid these days.. Haven't done much thinking at all, I even made Hanafe think about what meals I should eat.. Good as being dead..

Seriously, ma, I don't know what I want for myself anymore.. Hanafe always told me that I can't please everyone and that at the end of the day, it's my happiness that matters.. At one end, I'm too drunk in happiness doing what I do now, but on the other, the thought of you being pulled to hell just for me really kills me.. Come to think about it, there will be many other parents out there who'll be pulled in too, but most importantly, I do not want to be the cause..

So what is happiness? I really can't decide for myself anymore.. Sometimes, I wish God would text me and tell me what to do whenever I'm in doubt.. It'll be alot easier..

Choose: Spend my birthday afternoon with my sweetheart and accompany him before he sets off to work OR spend time with my family, kiss my mom on mothers' day and have an occasional decent family dinner?

Choose: Stay at home, help out my mom and her shop during the school break OR stay with Hanafe?

Choose: Continue this lifestyle, be happy in my relationship and regret when I taubat later OR stop and change now and achieve God's bless and your place in heaven but in expense of my relationship?

I'm really confused about happiness.. I know if I make my family or Hanafe happy, I'll be happy, but what if I had to choose ONE? And since I'm supposed to think for myself, what do I really want for myself? More money, more love, more certainty?

I really don't know..

Maybe I've gone wrong somewhere.. Maybe I should revert back to planning my upcoming week beforehand so at least I'll know what to do.. I need to start thinking in order to plan.. Then again, is all this thinking depressing?

In my road to happiness, I'm depressed..

I don't understand..

God, I really hope you'll start a texting system.. It'll be alot easier.. Thanx..

Some simply look hot with hickies on their neck and chest

Can't stop

thinking of you..

You make my life seem worthwhile just by witnessing yours:

(I removed the photos, k.. Just because I love you sooo much)

Anyway, to a good friend (know who you are)...

I'm writing this on my blog cos I know you're an avid reader(chey) and sometimes, some people listen to blogs more than the words spoken.. You'll probably won't listen to what I say of what I see in you, but I hope these words you can digest and read and run repeatedly in your head..

Firstly, jealousy takes you nowhere but misery, dear friend.. You've been with him for what, 3 years now? And you're willing to let it all go just because you THINK he's still in love with her..

Think about it.. I've never seen you try to assure yourself sooo much that your decision is right.. You keep telling yourself that, and lie to yourself.. Sometimes I wonder, you rather lie to yourself than have him trying to prove himself right?

If all you told me is truth, then I really think your agony and self- denial is worthless.. All I see is jealousy and bitterness in you and as a friend, I think it's my very duty to tell you this..

I'm not siding him or anything(tho he's still a friend), but seriously, even you had ex- es before.. Don't tell me that all you've broken up with only left behind awful memories.. I'm sure sometimes, you'd wish you could turn back time, to have that wonderful moment with your ex even when you were with him right now..

Good times are good times and they're hard to let go.. So let them be.. They're probably the only things that you can hold to in this vengeful world, to keep your sanity..

I can safely say that I thoroughly enjoyed my past relationships and sometimes these memories replay in my head and evoke that sense of longing.. But that doesn't mean I want to leave my current sweetheart, right? I won't pick up the phone, ask for a break up and start begging my ex-es to love me again, right?

Those memories, no matter how wonderful they were, are no longer relevant.. What's important is now, and what you make of it.. If you choose to leave him all because you're afraid of getting hurt and assume he'll leave you for his ex, then you're meant to be single.. Stop dating others, and stop giving them hope for love because you yourself are not game enough for it..

In fact, it goes to show that you never loved him in the first place, because I'm sure you made this decision thinking "If I were in his place, I would go back to my ex because I still love him".. If that's your justification for leaving him, maybe you should question if YOU still love another..

All I'm saying is, I just want to see you happy and not kill yourself over jealousy.. If he could look beyond your past lovers, why not you?

I hope you won't regret your decision, dear friend because I love you too much to see you like this..

You wish...

I realise I havn't been updating quite normally these days.. I blame it on stress that has got my mind everywhere and cause irrational thought and behaviour.. Oya, and having Hanafe in my mind 24/7 might also be the cause.. Heh..

I'm starting to feel sooo guilty towards my family and God.. The more I try to change, the more hmmm.. I have nothing to say anymore.. I just wish...........

Anyway, today, I decided to update like how I used to.. About all the little things that don't matter..

Today was the last class I'm ever gonna have with KC Yeoh.. Frankly, I really really like him.. I think he's a practical, sensible and humourous communicator ever, no matter how my class disregards him sometimes and how insignificant he physically is..

All I can say is, KC, I'm gonna miss your classes.. I'm beyond honoured to ever be taught by you and I just love your classes and regret now that I never made full use of my time while I still had you as a tutor.. I just wish..............hmm.......

Now thinking about it, all the ang moh teachers that I had, my class sorta "loved" more.. Like Hannes, Meridel, Ken.. Seriously, I see nothing interesting about them.. As compared to Peter and KC, they just seem more quirky and maybe more confident, and sometimes arrogant.. Peter and KC are more humble and down to earth.. People that I can look them in the eye and can tell that they are serious about my well being and growth as a designer, rather than just about grades and attendance..

For them, I'm proud to be Asian..

And just now, Aida told me a guy from school saw me and wanted to get to know me.. She told me he said that I am such an "exquisite beauty".. hahahahaha.. The freaks I attract... Who the hell use that sort of expression these days? Though I do wish I knew who he is...

I have no more to say.. I promise myself I will spend time with my family this week despite all of the stress of school.. So Hanafe, please understand.. I love you, but I love them too...

Sometimes, I wish there were 2 of me and both are equally updated mentally but at the same time, physically apart.. Different places at the same time.. One has hickies and the other don't.. One at my mom's shop and playing with Adreena and go to work on weekends, and the other doing school work and playing with Hanafe and go out with my friends.. It's so hard having just one body.. Sometimes, it really feels like as though I'm tearing myself apart.. Least I wish I could.. I wish.........................

Hmmmmm..................

Scientists, you guys gotta do something different about cloning.. I need help...

BOO!

There are some people you can't help but think about and smile to yourself...

(Hope you're not mad I stole this photo and added your "tickle- me" line.. I think it's damn funny laa...)