What the hell

is wrong with me??

God knows I feel guilty right now.. I just left Hanafe at Billy Bombers at an argument, make him pay 50 bucks and still left hungry, didn't even finish my own Sophia, made him follow me all the way to NTU (I don't even know why he did that for), then made him go all the way back to Changi and finally ask for a break up..

I know I didn't exactly made him do all that, but what's a guy to do, right? But now, I'm quite angry at the fact he did that.. It's stupid 'cos he didn't have to and now I'm worried that he's hungry and still have work early tomorrow..

I'm such a spoiler.. I hate myself.. I think I'm stupid, immature and there's no reason why Hanafe has to go through all this.. I just finally came to realise right now that, all I want is..

to be alone..

I'm so tired of trying to put up a struggle so that everything works.. I just want to be left alone.. I want my family and Hanafe to hate me.. It makes things alot easier so that when I leave, there's not much to worry after because... they hate me anyway.. It's easier to cope with the lonesome than all this hoo haa..

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me??

Anyway, to Pak, thanks for the text.. It meant ALOT to me to know that people like you who I least expect to care, took the effort to write 3 pages of sms and send it to me.. knowing that even though it won't help the situation, it means alot..

Same goes to Ain too..

When we talked just now I know you already know this.. When you got pissed at me at Billy Bombers and forced me to cope with the situation, I in turn, did an irrational run and forced you to cope with my unreasonable behaviour.. It's not fair, but this is the reality.. Imagine.. You have to face that for the rest of your life, just because you want to love me.. Do you really WANT that? Do you really think it's worth your concern? Do you really think that is happiness? Me torturing you is happiness?

I really don't know what else to say.. I just hope you are not banking on me just because I was there.. That I was just convenient, not because you really love me..

Now my roommate must be thinking I'm some depressed child who goes to bed crying every night, obsessively crazy over school projects and waking up with puffy eyes from crying and lack of sleep.. Plus, I come back to the room, fight with my sweetheart and look suicidal.. The image of a messed up artist.. How typical..

Talking about messed up.. People at my store has been talking about an ex- partner Lili, who just broke up her 3 year long relationship with Nabil, to end up dating HIS BEST FRIEND, Ricoh and posting naked pictures of herself on friendster.. To think she was my learning coach! I thought she was hot laa, but now I think she's crazy..

Just tried to add her so that I can see the photos too! Heeee..

Ok, I need to do work now and rot among my projects..

Hanafe, I'm so sorry sweetheart..