Let it go...

Tonight, I want to talk to God..

Dear God,

I'm sorry, but I have no one to turn to..

You made me, so I know you are the only one who truly understands my mechanism.. You are my only doctor and I need a major check up.. I bet you already anticipated this visit..

I know you might not even want to hear me, but know at least I'm trying.. I am really really trying.. Sometimes, I wish I could return to you as perfect as the condition when you let me free.. I know I did so many things wrong, you must have damned me already.. In fact, I already felt your wrath from deep within me..

Sometimes, I hate it when you do that.. I have to admit I know alot of things happen because of you.. In fact, everything.. I really hate you for making me feel miserable, but I know I can't blame you.. I know what I did and I know I probably deserved it..

Sometimes, I hate the fact that you laid your terms so early in my life and I just HAD to agree to them, merely because you are GOD.. And I know I've not kept to the terms, I broke so many promises and I still do.. Please forgive me.. I know I'm stubborn and disobedient, but really, I'm trying..

Sometimes, I wonder if you enjoy watching me cry.. Sorry that I've grown cynical, but do you? You probably already know this, but the main reason I cry is all because of you.. Because of you, for everything I screwed up, I get depressed.. People call it guilty conscience, but I know it was actually you in disguise.. And "guilty conscience" seems to be in my head 100% of the time.. Even when in rebellion...

But dear God, I really want to thank you.. I want to thank you for all the strength and intellectual ability you've given me, for all the tests, for all the experiences (forbidden or not), for chocolates, for all my friends but mostly, I want to thank you for giving me my family and Hanafe..

I can never thank you enough for giving me them.. I've never been happier in my stay on Earth than now, but also I've never been so miserable.. And I've been so ungrateful, I understand why you probably hate me too.. But seriously, your efforts I shall learn to appreciate.. I really WANT to change, but it's been soo tough.. I don't know what to do, God.. Really.. For every step up I take, the harder the fall..

You know what's interesting? When I don't give a damn, people advice me to change, but when I do give a damn about changing, no one seems to support me.. When I was staying at home and I intentionally don't care about my family, they don't seem to bother or need me.. But now that I stay in a hostel, I seem to think about them every moment, but they seem to hate me.. And lastly, when I don't know yet if whether I truly love Hanafe, he seems to be happy to have me, but now that I really can't detach myself from him and love him even more and more each day, I seem to hurt him..

And God, it hurts me even more when I think about all this... I hate crying so much.. And eye infections is not fair to make me stop crying.. It's not funny okay.. In fact, it is discouraging to know that right changes in me may give me the wrong outcomes.. I don't want to hurt anybody and I can't bear to lose my family or Hanafe even if you forbid it..

WHY GOD? WHY?

I know I'm loathing in self pity and denial, but I can't help it.. I can't cope.. Stop with the tests for just one moment okay.. Please? And I know retribution now is a blessing in disguise, but I can't deal with it now..

Or maybe help me.. If you don't even want to give light to my path or answer my questions, at least give me a hint, a guide.. A dream, a gush of wind, anything.. I'll take it seriously this time, I swear..

And I know I already know the answers to my own questions, so maybe you can change me? Make me softer yet strong, make me obedient yet smart.. Or maybe just make me happy.. Give me satisfaction, gratification and fullness..

I know I have no right to ask, but one can always hope..

Thinking of you always,
Yati..