I'm feeling....

GUILTY..

Yeah 'cos I'm not at the zoo right now, but at YOUR place, using YOUR "two- piece laptop" to write this..

And don't worry I didn't go snooping elsewhere 'cos I know you'll get mad at me.. And I hope you're not mad at what I'm doing right now..

When I woke up this morning, all I did was to think about you.. Because of last night, I know that physically, I'm at the receiving end because you like to give so much and I know I haven't made much effort..

It's not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how.. Hey I'm still 20, you know.. I have alot to learn, and you have alot to teach..

I know this ignorance is very very selfish, but I need to be assured.. In that, I realised that it's not only me, but you too.. Maybe you need that assurance EVEN MORE..

"That'll will make you remember me.."

However, on the emotional end, I think both of us are quite on par and we have a long way to go.. Most people believe that you have to understand your partner emotionally before getting physical because it takes maturity to handle intimacy.. But I believe it's the other way around..

I wanted to see your wedding photos last nite because I wanted to understand the pain you went through.. Just so you know, I never really got over any of my ex-es.. In fact, I left a spot for every one of them because they made me who I am now.. They made me learn and I really appreciate it, especially when I talk to others who have not yet dare to jump into this love pool.. No matter how much of a jerk they can be, there was a point we were in love and cherished.. And I know this can very well be similar to you..

Because you even got married..

On one side I do give a damn about your past, and on the other side, I want to put our pasts aside (sounds like a tongue twister, hehe).. I can look beyond your past, and I hope you can do the same.. Especially that now I'm trying to make alot of changes in myself.. I am more than eager to learn about your past experiences, but I'm not bothered by them.. When you make comparisons between your ex and me, I expect you to share them with me.. Don't worry if I get hurt or not, because it'll hurt even more when I fail to understand your honest opinion..

You should know that I was trying to be you, looking at your own pictures with your ex, and I really wept inside, feeling the loss you went through.. The heartaches upon heartaches that tears you every night.. How broken you are and how you don't know where to begin to rebuild yourself, or even care to rebuild yourself ever.. Probably, even how many times you want the pain to stop by killing the very source:

Your heart..

Sometimes, when I look at you, I can still see traces of that..

I will never reveal or show any of these feelings or thoughts when I'm with you because don't want to be the reminder of your past, but I want to create a different set of memories for you, be it better or worse.. I want to be different..

I know I could make more effort, but my choices are limited.. I'm still schooling, I work and I'm very much attached to my family.. I hope you can understand whenever I refuse your requests.. And I hope you are prepared to give me time.. Years I mean..

On my end, I still need the assurance that I'm not played a fool.. I know you'll never do that or intend to do that.. But I just need the assurance.. Mostly, I never really treated relationships seriously because I've been played out several times, so I know they'll end anyway.. And I can't be bothered.. I can even treat heartaches like a cold..

I believe that time heals all wounds.. But provided you're not dead already..

I could say that my heart has been really cold for quite some time.. But I want to change, remember? I want to bother, and I want to make a struggle for us..

Now I just realised that both of us are very Lazarusylicious.. Back from the dead..

Okay I think I should get out of here before spending another night.. Hahaha..