Life's a

BITCH!

It's been real tiring lately.. I feel so lethargic I feel like killing myself.. And work last night was quite relaxing until the morning crowd came that left my back swaying to keep balance..

I think Lisa could see how stress has taken over me lately.. And so I told her what has been bugging me at the back of my mind..

But mostly, I know I'm the main cause for my own wretched self.. I was the one who chose this academic line, this job and everything else.. I could even hear my thrice- bruised spine and knees crack right now.. On my way back to hall this morning, I cant even shut my eyes in the train.. Just went zonked, stared into space and I couldn't even cry to break down..

In many ways I think breaking down and crying helps to release all this tension.. But the problem is, I can't.. I don't know why, but I just went numb.. So all this anger and madness is still in me.. Trapped in me.. I just feel so helpless.. And senseless.. And aimless.. Stupid and annoyed.. Angry yet ignorant.. I really don't know what the hell is wrong..

Maybe I should just kill myself and shut myself up..

It's miserable knowing that while I'm working my ass off (though it's STILL huge) to achieve success, I'm actually losing myself.. I lost my sense of security, satisfaction and gratitude.. And maybe even my sanity..

I don't think I make any sense anymore..

Maybe I'm just depressed.. Maybe all of this is just my obtacles.. I mean in every success there is a point where you make or break, and it determines everything... Maybe THIS is that point.. It's quite magical how in all aspects, that point came simultaneously..

1) Schoolwork has never piled on so great..

2) Work has never been so demanding since this upcoming Coffee Master Challenge..

3) My doubt in men and how I was reminded of my past in almost all my dreams lately.. It's been affecting how I react to my sweetheart (I'll get to this later)..

4) Smoking has never been so tempting since I stopped..

5) Sleep has never been so scarce..

6) The wait for my next period has never been so important..

7) Most importantly, the distance between my loved ones and me has never been so great..

To my dearest sweetheart,

I'm sorry.. I think dealing with myself is far more taxing.. But I'm quite sure I pretty much warned you..

I know whatever I said last night might sound hostile and heartless, but that is exactly what I feel right now.. All my thoughts disjointed and probably distorted.. And I'm sure through that conversation you can see the raw, selfish me..

I grew up with alot of feminist and anti- men sentiments.. I did not wish for you to know or see how awful and intense it is because I know it'll turn you skeptic of me.. And do know that I still keep alot of doubts in men deep within me due to my upbringing and my past experiences..

And for one thing, I deal with loneliness better than I deal with companionship.. While many girls see falling in love as a form of freedom, I sometimes feel imprisoned by it because I believe that relationships are far more fragile to handle and it requires alot of care and control just to keep the love.. And for unknown reasons, I find loneliness quite peaceful.. Due to my take on this, you made me realise why my past relationships were all messed up.. It's because I WANT out.. I've never really struggled to keep a relationship, that's why they were never really resolved.. Our relationship is my next chance to prove otherwise..

I hope you understand.. And I hope you'll be that source that gives reason for me to want to struggle..

And no matter what you say, I still believe that everyone have personal reasons to want to be in love.. like:

1) Companionship
2) Children
3) Sex
4) Personal care and attention
5) Intimacy
6) Self- satisfaction
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I mean there must be a reason why you are looking for your other half right? Being single and "not- looking" seems perfectly fine, especially for an independent guy like you.. Swinging single always sound more fun than blissfully married.. So i'm still figuring out your reason..

Enough said.. I still have alot in my mind about these past few days, but maybe I should leave them just as idle thoughts..

Already, I feel better now.. Doc, I really have to thank you one day for forcing me to have this blog..