"The branch that follows is always slenderer than the one before it."

2D class just now really oozed brain blood..

Dunno what's wrong with me..

I mean when you're hit in an accident, I'm sure you'll feel the pain like quite immediately or moments after the impact, but for me, WEEKS after the impact..

But more importantly, I didn't expect the healing to be this painful..

Excrutiating..

The more I think about it, the more bitter I get. Feeling even more ridiculous still staying in contact. I mean.. it's like when a girl dumps a guy and then tell him she want to stay close as friends. This is EXACTLY what I feel (in the dumped guy's perspective). The frustration of being close, but not close enough. I'm stucked.

Trapped.

I can't bear this closeness anymore. It's ridiculously superficial. I know I'm good at lying, but everyone has a breaking point. And mine is when I start lying to myself. I need to move on, but everytime I get to see you, or even hear your voice, the happiness is just too... painful, yet addictive...

The thought of not having you, but yet being tempted.

It's like having presented a diamond ring that I can't possibly afford, but become obsessed about. (And talking about diamonds, Blood Diamond is a movie not to be missed. An addition to my DVDs-to-get list..)

This happiness is like... having my heart in your hands with you gently stroking it.. with the edges of a saw..

In all this helplessness, I really feel like killing myself than having to have you in my thoughts every moment, only to realise you are just a fantasy. Now that I'm writing this, I realised I was the one asking for this. I was the one who let myself fall and the one who planned out a long- winded strategy for you to follow so that we can be together. Maybe this is all just a test of endurance, which I'm about to fail miserably. Maybe I should wait a lil' longer. Just a lil' while. Stay focus Yati! See the big picture, the light through that tunnel..

But just hearing your voice breaks me into pieces.. Puts me back to square one.. I hope you understand why I WANT to keep this distance. I need to keep my grip on sanity..

It's quite coincidental how the rain these days is in sync with my emotions, causing floods, land slides and road accidents.. Just as I was thinking about you the whole of Monday morning, I saw this right up the curb near to Canteen B:









The things this bitterness can do...


With that, I'll end with a poem that I fell in love with even before the related movie was made:

Ev'n here, where frozen chastity retires,
Love finds an altar for forbidden fires.
I ought to grieve, but cannot what I ought;
I mourn the lover, not lament the fault;
I view my crime, but kindle at the view,
Repent old pleasures, and solicit new;
Now turn'd to Heav'n, I weep my past offence,
Now think of thee, and curse my innocence.
Of all affliction taught a lover yet,
'Tis sure the hardest science to forget!
How shall I lose the sin, yet keep the sense,
And love th' offender, yet detest th' offence?