Lesson learnt..

I don't know what it is about entering the BIG 2-0 that suddenly brings about all sorts of experiences..

Warning: This is gonna be long. Close this window immediately if you are actually in a good mood..

Just came back from a discussion with Zuki's family and in- laws.. It's hilarious how on the way back, recalling what happened, and how timely they were, that I kept on smiling to myself with my eyes shut in the train..

Everyone has problems.. It's funny how people usually perceive that depression is weighed by experiences.. I was quite puzzled when people kept on saying,

"Kau belom kahwin. Kau tak tau perasaan. Tak tau betapa sakit hati."
("You're not married. You don't know how it feels. The intensity of the heartache.")

I'm not married, I know. But I do not believe that only when my husband leaves me that I feel the sting of betrayal. Even between family and friends, I could cry feeling the harshness of abandonment..

Firstly, to Zuki and Zyzy (or Zurah), I'm sorry for ever getting to know Zuki.. And I'm sorry if I disappoint you guys that I appeared quite smiley and maybe too relaxed about the situation.. I tried my best just now to show sincerity and not to ridicule and be cynical about both of your jealous antics..

I'm not one to wallow in remorse. I smile easier than I frown. It's in my nature. I'm sorry. And seeing your kids made it even harder. You feel it for yourself. Even now I still laugh to myself..

But watching them just now, I actually feel sorry for them. I know I have no right to, but it's just sad that Zuki and Zyzy did not realise how blessed they are. They didn't even realise that they still have each other. Both too busy to find other ways of release. Even with all the financial problems they have, their beutiful kids bring them joy and most importantly, every member of that family CARED about them..

Know my family and you'll understand what I mean. Yes, we're well to do. Yes, we were bred with high expectations and education. BUT the coldness and cruelty in our hearts that forbids any form of humanity to enter our damned souls, will make you beg to be poor. The judgements passed, the hypocracy and the expectations! Goodness. I was well shocked that you people are allowed to smoke in the house, have tattoos and speak of violence so freely. Already feeling trapped in your marriage? Try surviving my home. TRAPPED. Word of the day..

I look at Adreena and compare her to their kids, and become quite envious. They have siblings their age to play with and both their parents love them. Adreena's father havn't seen her for more than a year already and (as recently spotted) still drinking his nights away, and her mom (my sis) ran away from home for over a month now, not even enquiring the well being of her own daughter. I doubt she ever loved Adreena. Well, not as much as her aunty does..

My mom is all about her shop and my dad all about his work. All too busy for one another, but too free to have affairs elsewhere, in Thailand, in Hong Kong, in Turkey. Know my cycnism about marriage and how only now, after watching Zuki and Zyzy, did I truly value that constitution..

All I'm saying is, be grateful of what you guys have, your children. The openess of your surroundings that allows you to grow and be independent of your decisions..

Before heading to Australia, after spending the night with Zuki at he waterfront, I begged to God after Subuh:

"Please, for the sake of Zuki's marriage and children, forbid this friendship. Forgive me of my sins and lead me to that true path. Listen to me and answer me God."

True enough, when I came back, this happened.. "Something always happens when I'm gone. I knew it." And surprisingly, when I came back, Ahmad asked me out again. Curious. How timely.

And like I said to Zuki once about him (my ex), about me asking God for a sign. I always assumed whatever I asked for will be granted. So it is. So maybe that was why Zyzy was in a rage and even called me up and on top of that, wanted me to come. And maybe that's why we had that discussion just now, even tho' I have no say in your marriage. Even tho I served no purpose there. Haha..

But I have to say this to Zuki. I did enjoy our friendship, no matter how brief it was. Your companionship has been my best friend and it has brought me much joy and pleasure knowing you. I just wished that you could talk as much to your wife. I've seen and heard you talk at length. Disappointed to see how you reacted just now. Think I told you soo many times, "Sometimes, I don't know whether it's you or her who wants the divorce." Resistance is futile my friend. I bet Zyzy is YEARNING to hear you out, but you guys must've turn each other off with all the shouting and accusations. All that jealous rage..

One thing struck me just now. How humourous that Along lady was and her son (Min?) too. I kept on smiling to myself listening to them. It's weird how I offended her by laughing at the fact she said "Belacan masih terselit kat gigi", when I'm actually ALLERGIC to chilli and later on I made peace with her on my way out and even manage to wish her Selamat Hari Raya! Hahaha.. She damn farnie.. Min was even funnier. Angry thinking I spent the night with Zuki at work last nite, when it was actually a conference call. Should see the look on his face. I recalled how he kept on asking Zuki to pass the phone to me last nite.. Hahaha.. He even admitted to being paiseh.. Couldn't laugh even more.. hahaha.. Cute I must say..

They were probably why I was laughing to myself in the train..

And reflecting this right now, I have a question to God:

Why do you ALWAYS fate my relationships in a way I'm at the wrong place and time?

Always. All the past 3 relationships. WHY? You wanted to prove a point to me? You wanted me to learn something? You want me to hear other people? You want me to wreck their relationships and then forge them back? Even when I'm not involved and I have no say?

Not blaming You, but why am I always put to tread places I don't belong? Please, hear me and answer.