Fuck Birthdays

Feeling real heavy right now..

Yes, I am still feeling bad about spoiling my time with you.. But this post is more a pesonal reflection which I believe is important to document..

Anyway, I hope to find time to upload photos from the Bali trip..

Turning 21 is not so great after all.. For one thing, even at this age, I've achieved nothing.. And to make things worse, I've made my family, my sweetheart and even myself real unhappy today..

If only my mom could hear this, for I'm such a coward to tell her..

Ma, I truly love you.. By the way, happy mothers' day.. I am soo so sorry I didn't make it to dinner and even lied to you.. I just thought that since I already didn't turn up, I shouldn't spoil your day even more knowing where I've been and what I've done.. I think our conversation that night really pulled me back to Earth.. A real wake up call.. For that, I want to thank you.. Thank you ma, I really really love you.. Thank you for making me think about God, about love, about you and about my life..

I've been real stupid these days.. Haven't done much thinking at all, I even made Hanafe think about what meals I should eat.. Good as being dead..

Seriously, ma, I don't know what I want for myself anymore.. Hanafe always told me that I can't please everyone and that at the end of the day, it's my happiness that matters.. At one end, I'm too drunk in happiness doing what I do now, but on the other, the thought of you being pulled to hell just for me really kills me.. Come to think about it, there will be many other parents out there who'll be pulled in too, but most importantly, I do not want to be the cause..

So what is happiness? I really can't decide for myself anymore.. Sometimes, I wish God would text me and tell me what to do whenever I'm in doubt.. It'll be alot easier..

Choose: Spend my birthday afternoon with my sweetheart and accompany him before he sets off to work OR spend time with my family, kiss my mom on mothers' day and have an occasional decent family dinner?

Choose: Stay at home, help out my mom and her shop during the school break OR stay with Hanafe?

Choose: Continue this lifestyle, be happy in my relationship and regret when I taubat later OR stop and change now and achieve God's bless and your place in heaven but in expense of my relationship?

I'm really confused about happiness.. I know if I make my family or Hanafe happy, I'll be happy, but what if I had to choose ONE? And since I'm supposed to think for myself, what do I really want for myself? More money, more love, more certainty?

I really don't know..

Maybe I've gone wrong somewhere.. Maybe I should revert back to planning my upcoming week beforehand so at least I'll know what to do.. I need to start thinking in order to plan.. Then again, is all this thinking depressing?

In my road to happiness, I'm depressed..

I don't understand..

God, I really hope you'll start a texting system.. It'll be alot easier.. Thanx..