I'll never forget..

My nose is fucked up right now and just now, I banged my head into the bathroom door.. So now I have a blue black around my cheekbone and left eye area.. Thank God, I'm quite dark, have dark rings and puffy eyes to cover them.. Still swelling and hurts when I squint or yawn or laugh hard tho'.. Clumsy me..

Something I should note and remember...

When I was buka- ing at work just now (was doing M2), I got an SMS from a long lost friend I was referring to in the post titled 'SAY IT!!!!'..

"I hate you. I hate you so much, I cried. I creid everytime I think abt it."

Her exact words, including the spelling mistakes.. Seriously, this isn't something normal girls sms one another... To make things easier, let's call her 'F'...

I sat there, in front of my half- eaten Filet-o-fish, wandering what the heck made her soo mad at me.. Recently, I read her blog.. Around August, she wrote about being

"heartbroken because of a selfish BITCH."

Anonymous blog, but somehow I knew it was her all along and knew the "BITCH" was me.. So now she, knowing my blog, has responded to my post.. Now, in October? So I replied,

"I'm so sorry for whatever it is I've done. But pls, help me, can't remember what I did. Can't even remember what we were."

Still eating, all I could recall were the few times I spent with F during my JC years.. I would often skip classes and lectures to meet her.. Spend nites with her at clubs, beaches, bowling, tanning, skating and go back home 5am and sometimes, crash at her place or our close guy- pal, 'M'... She was my only escape from JC life, my family, Doc and most of the time, myself..

"U can't remember?? Of course, liars like U R so gd at pretendin tt u can even lie to urself."

True.. I often pretend and hide my true feelings.. Feeling frustrated and useless, I finished my break, fast as I could, and returned to work as if nothing happened..

It was later, when Uncle Peter was sending me off, that it came back to me.. In the cab, I took a short nap before the cab stopped over at Geylang bazaar, cos Uncle Peter wanted to get some food.................

It was a month before exam season (if I remembered correctly), we spent the whole nite club- hoppin thru' MS and town area.. We had M to drive us around and promised to look out for one another 'cos she likes to get drunk and me, high..

We were feeling quite horny that night and were on the dance floor like 2 lil' sluts under an elephant tranquiliser until M offered to take us to his place, where (as he said)

"it might be safer where all the guys won't be watching."

As M was driving, we were making out at the backseat.. She was teasing me all the way, pushing and pulling her tongue in and out of my mouth while trying to unhook my bra.. I just lay there, lazy and tired as I was, enjoying her hands..

We somehow managed to get to M's bedroom... I planned to sleep cos I have school the next day..

She must have been REALLY horny or REALLY drunk.. She wasnt only kissing me, but M as well.. She's crazzy, I tell ya.. Seriously, I wasn't turned on, cos to me, M is my close friend and I knew him inside out, like my own brother.. At least I thought I did... And he just broke up with his girlfriend (who are now back together) at that point.. The thought of a threesome may sound fun, but with HIM??? And HER ALL DRUNK?? I was plain disgusted..

Look, I can get horny and really 'hands- on', but I know where to draw MY LINE, even when my head is all over the place.. Sibling- like friends are a BIG NO- NO to make out with.. Even just to comfort..

I guess M was on a rebound and was turned on.. By what, I dunno.. Cos, seriously, her breath stinked sooo bad and my face was about to turn green.. BOTH of us were looking like crap..

After she tongued him, M grabbed me across my chest, my back on him and started licking my shoulders and neck! Already disgusted, I pulled myself away and told them I needed to puke.. M let me go and started on F instead.. Went out, shut the door..

On my way to the bathroom, I decided that they should have their own fun, I should not be disgusted any further, I shouldn't be the lamp post and took a cab ride back home... Quietly, I ran out..

I didn't know what happened in that room.. But something bad, I guess... Cos the day after and the next and the next, F didn't respond to my calls or sms-es... She only replied once, saying that she took care of me and that I wasn't there when she needed me the most... M? Worse! We havn't talked since!

So far, that's all I could remember..

Am I to blame? To give them space so that they can fuck the fuck out of one another? Or was it an escape to save my own selfish ass?

Was she mad becos she was 'in love' with me and was heartbroken? Or did M do something to her and I wasn't there to look out for her?

Was I there to remember? Did she tell me? Did I block it out completely?

I don't know.. But I know I'll never forget, again..