....

God, this hurts so much..

I feel really lost and stupid, and cruel, heartless and undeserving of life... God, why must you allow such a bitch as I to love???

I've been crying for over an hour now, and have tried to type something here 15 minutes ago and I think this will be my most emotional post ever.. Madness has taken over me now.. I have alot of things on my mind and have put thru even far worse painful situations, but this is where I break down..

ok... breathe..

About 5 hours ago, I was having my break at work and received an overseas call... On the other line was a shivering voice of a heartbroken sister who's words came in between hiccups thru a nasal voice, almost gasping and panting.. It was Rachel, his sister.. My dear best friend had a car accident and did not survive... I've held my tears for the shift and only an hour ago did I finally feel the warmth of my own blood flowing and my heart aching from this news.. And now, my nose is totally blocked from my cries..

It's funny how I felt lost for words or expression when I first heard it..

It's as though my heart stopped.. Stunned and blanked.. I couldn't think, speak or even hear my surroundings, save my own voice in my head..

And now that I could feel again, I can't stop crying and thinking of him.. How terrible I treated him, and how we were best of friends despite that.. How we kissed all the time, and still remained best friends.. How we broke our promises to each other, and yet love that so much.. How I owe him a dinner, and he, my long- awaited postcard..

I wish I could tell him how much I love him and how good he looks in his new hairdo and thank him for every of his hug and kiss.. And Michael, I hope you read this and know that your call saved me from insanity.. Thank You..

That's all I can do for now.. I can't take anymore heartache through all these memories.. I need to get more Kleenex... Good nite..