help, please, someone help...

I feel like drowning..

I know it takes time to get over a best friend's death.. But I don't have time.. I feel like going out of this room now, get to a HDB block, take the lift to the 11th floor, sit by the edge, close my eyes, thank and apologise to God and.. weeeeeeeee..

Ryan, how could you do this to me??

I woke up at 11 plus this morning and decided not to attend class.. My eyes were puffy, my back and forearms were aching and migrains, blardee migrains, knocking on my head from the back...

Banging like the song Shake That by Eminem...

Of course the physical pain was partially caused by rockclimbing with Faisal.. Every moment I'm with my other friends, I try not to think about you.. It's so hard..

Tears roll down unknowingly... Just the thought of you.. It's killing me... Your face there, and I could immediately taste the salt from my tears..

I'd like to think killing myself is a far better, faster and easier option, but when was it an option in the first place? All my friends offer a listening ear, but I just can't.. Just the thought of you.. Breaks me into pieces... And I can't break now.. So to all who cared, thanks, but really, it's up to me and I can't do it..

I can't think, I can't study, I can't listen to my friends when they talk.. All I can do is try to be the happy Yati everyone knows and prepare a box of kleenex when I blog..

Ryan, I'll never forget you..

I'll never forget your smile, your "kazoinkas", the way you smell, the warmth of your touch, the way you run your fingers down my spine, your laughter, your hugs, your kisses, your voice..

I love you, Ryan and I'll give anything to have you here now, so I could tell you all this.. Maybe you're listening to me right now.. I wish we never met.. That I didn't follow you home and played poker with you.. I wished we never became friends and cared so much for you to the point of being best friends.. Now that I've lost you, I feel that I lost myself even more.. See, if I never knew you, I'm not the wreck I am now..

Why must you do this to me? Why now?

Shit, I can't sleep now.. And the pre- race training is tomorrow.. Wish me all the best, people.. Hope I won't have you in my head and suddenly trip on my bike, or slip off the rockwall, or be tempted to drown myself..

Nite..