Life's a

BITCH!

It's been real tiring lately.. I feel so lethargic I feel like killing myself.. And work last night was quite relaxing until the morning crowd came that left my back swaying to keep balance..

I think Lisa could see how stress has taken over me lately.. And so I told her what has been bugging me at the back of my mind..

But mostly, I know I'm the main cause for my own wretched self.. I was the one who chose this academic line, this job and everything else.. I could even hear my thrice- bruised spine and knees crack right now.. On my way back to hall this morning, I cant even shut my eyes in the train.. Just went zonked, stared into space and I couldn't even cry to break down..

In many ways I think breaking down and crying helps to release all this tension.. But the problem is, I can't.. I don't know why, but I just went numb.. So all this anger and madness is still in me.. Trapped in me.. I just feel so helpless.. And senseless.. And aimless.. Stupid and annoyed.. Angry yet ignorant.. I really don't know what the hell is wrong..

Maybe I should just kill myself and shut myself up..

It's miserable knowing that while I'm working my ass off (though it's STILL huge) to achieve success, I'm actually losing myself.. I lost my sense of security, satisfaction and gratitude.. And maybe even my sanity..

I don't think I make any sense anymore..

Maybe I'm just depressed.. Maybe all of this is just my obtacles.. I mean in every success there is a point where you make or break, and it determines everything... Maybe THIS is that point.. It's quite magical how in all aspects, that point came simultaneously..

1) Schoolwork has never piled on so great..

2) Work has never been so demanding since this upcoming Coffee Master Challenge..

3) My doubt in men and how I was reminded of my past in almost all my dreams lately.. It's been affecting how I react to my sweetheart (I'll get to this later)..

4) Smoking has never been so tempting since I stopped..

5) Sleep has never been so scarce..

6) The wait for my next period has never been so important..

7) Most importantly, the distance between my loved ones and me has never been so great..

To my dearest sweetheart,

I'm sorry.. I think dealing with myself is far more taxing.. But I'm quite sure I pretty much warned you..

I know whatever I said last night might sound hostile and heartless, but that is exactly what I feel right now.. All my thoughts disjointed and probably distorted.. And I'm sure through that conversation you can see the raw, selfish me..

I grew up with alot of feminist and anti- men sentiments.. I did not wish for you to know or see how awful and intense it is because I know it'll turn you skeptic of me.. And do know that I still keep alot of doubts in men deep within me due to my upbringing and my past experiences..

And for one thing, I deal with loneliness better than I deal with companionship.. While many girls see falling in love as a form of freedom, I sometimes feel imprisoned by it because I believe that relationships are far more fragile to handle and it requires alot of care and control just to keep the love.. And for unknown reasons, I find loneliness quite peaceful.. Due to my take on this, you made me realise why my past relationships were all messed up.. It's because I WANT out.. I've never really struggled to keep a relationship, that's why they were never really resolved.. Our relationship is my next chance to prove otherwise..

I hope you understand.. And I hope you'll be that source that gives reason for me to want to struggle..

And no matter what you say, I still believe that everyone have personal reasons to want to be in love.. like:

1) Companionship
2) Children
3) Sex
4) Personal care and attention
5) Intimacy
6) Self- satisfaction
.
.
.
.
.

I mean there must be a reason why you are looking for your other half right? Being single and "not- looking" seems perfectly fine, especially for an independent guy like you.. Swinging single always sound more fun than blissfully married.. So i'm still figuring out your reason..

Enough said.. I still have alot in my mind about these past few days, but maybe I should leave them just as idle thoughts..

Already, I feel better now.. Doc, I really have to thank you one day for forcing me to have this blog..

Beyond...

Satisfied...

Just ended my 4D class watching The Piano.. Great great movie..

First thing, I will try to upload the photos again(for the 10th time!) and I know that you guys must be wondering how come I got so much time to update my blog everyday.. All I can say is, living in NTU can be quite tiring at times.. And if you know, all I've been doing other than school work is sleep.. So updating my blog kinda gives me an alternate option to let off steam..

Hehee.. Anyway, today I want to write a letter to a special someone who I've been putting on hold for so long..


Dear SOMEBODY,

I really want to thank you.. I guess saying it in person is never enough.. The dinner, your hospitality and even the service was BEYOND expectation.. FOUR of IT really put me into deep slumber despite all the questions you left in my head, still unanswered..

From now on, since you have given me so much (and I, on the other hand, taken so much of your effort, time and money), I want you to know that I'll try my best to give whatever you want (as long as it's not my life).. I want you to stop spoon- feeding me so much and take what you deserve.. I have not been fair to you and have been taking you for granted..

You should know by now that I left alot of things unsaid.. Know that in all my deep thoughts, probably 70% is of you and WHAT WE ARE.. I just don't want to regret saying them because right now, everything is just plain nice and simple.. And I like it like this..

And I lied... I actually KNOW what we are.. I just can't figure out why you want me.. I mean, I'm not merely even the sweet girlfriend material, nor am I the hot girl every wants to know.. I do not have any natural talent in any field and I'm not that nice, accomodative, attractive and faithful either..

I just don't want you to regret being so certain about me.. That is why I'm leaving things quite hanging right now.. It'll be easier for you to turn back if we're not so certain, you see? If one day you see the ugliness in me and decide that there's a better person for you (which I predict you'll soon realise), we won't have to deal with so much pain later.. I'm just afraid that when that day comes, I'll hurt you..

In many ways, people usually trust me not to hurt them more than I trust myself..

From now on, if you're not happy with me or what I'm doing, I want you to tell me and demand for what you want.. I do realise that I can be extremely greedy and BEYOND selfish that I do not realise I'm hurting you.. And you'll be left once again hurt, because you are just such a...

Sweetheart..

Hmm.. So yeah.. I've finally come up with a term that represent what you mean to me.. You been waiting for an answer rite? So there it is..

You are my sweetheart..

There are so many things in my head right now I don't know where to continue.. I know this letter is long enough, so bear with me..

Oya.. I'll try to change for you alright.. Maybe do some jogging or something to slim down.. I doubt I can ever be as fit or as physically attractive as your ex, but I'll try.. If I'm doing something wrong that she used to do very right, do tell.. It helps alot..

I just want to be "up to standard"..

And yeah.. Honestly.. Whatever I can't say now, be assured I'll tell you later when I feel comfortable enough.. But I guess you're smart enough to understand and figure me out..

For now, I want to end this letter because I know I'm probably already losing your attention..

Love,

Yati

Firstly, to somebody, congratulations! Today, or maybe yesterday, was the first time you made IT public! Mark in history: February 13, 2007, Singapore Botanic Gardens.

So yeah.. The photos of Jonah's and Norah's farewell are finally here.. And as I look at them I realised that my 2 managers are damn horny clubbers and are both homos (No matter what Naz claims).. Also, Ellein is actually very pretty, Han has flowy hair and Nora can look creepy (but it somehow suit her fellow admirer, the OTHER Naz, who is creepier btw)..

It's quite alot, so yeah I shall stop blabbering here.. Enjoy!

Sweet sistaz...


Babe-alicious!


GRRRRR!!!


Will miss u guys... Aaawww...


The only manjens....


Han and her silky hair..


Swish swash..


Ice that hot babe


Japo pose 1


Japo pose 2!


Couple-to-be


The weird couple


The weirdER couple


And the weirdEST couple


Then there's the horny couple


Or maybe it's just horny Lisa


Constantly turning me on, and making Han jealous.. Hehe..


Especially behind Han's back!


Naturally, she succeeded..


Even tho' there were many other more desperate cases.. (So gay lor!)


Naz and his fav blow-me pose


Elmo and Count


Beep!


America's Next Top Model


There's the "popular"..


Then there's the depressed..


And this is the scary.. (Look at Nora.. Yikes!)


And weirdly enough, there's the racoon.. (Hana)


Whose evil powers turn others into racoons


Han: I taught you well, Jonah!


The drunk, the cutie, the racoon, the sexy, and lastly, the fucker (Guess who..)


Another drunk pose


And a drunkER pose


And more drunkards


Simply wasted..


And trashed!


Some drunks get gay- ish


While others turn to the left!


One of the few pretty poses.. (Wow, Shafa!)


But there's also the few "cannot make it" poses..


Cleavage galore...


Cheeeeeese!!


Babes of A2!


Yeah, we rock!


Another cannot- make- it pose.. (At least Nora's boobs made up for her misssing face, hehe! Thanx to stupid Naz..)


Another stupid Naz pose


Down boy!


Naz loves asses..


He hits on everyone.. The tall..


The short..


And even the horny..


He even tried to turn me on..


And then failed, so he tried to turn himself on.. (Look at the bloody camera Naz!)


So in the end we both tried to turn Jonah on by hitting her front and back (KINKY!)


And lastly, my fav pose: The BAND pose.. Hehe (Watcha lookin' at, Lisa?)