Thank You mailers..

Okay.. Unlike Ain I don't really get hate tags, but I get hate mails and negative feedbacks from certain loyal readers.. So yeah, not much entertainment here as much as 'shoot 'em dead'..

Before I get to reply and clarify certain matters to my dear mailers, I wanna get to today's post: Hari Raya..

As usual, Raya has always been a rush for my family.. EVERYTHING is last minute.. We even went down to Lil' India the nite before Deepavali and Geylang Serai the nite before Hari Raya.. My mom's shop was left in a huge mess.. And at home, we just couldn't care less..

Seriously, things have changed alot after my mom went 'business- minded'..

On Hari Raya, we had our usual routine of asking forgiveness from my parents.. And yes, I'm the only child among my siblings crying and hugging them... At that moment, I tried to recall how many times I screamed at my parents to stop fighting in a middle of their arguments and then stomped out of the house and slammed the door.. My siblings would always thank me later for doing that to stop them, but deep down, I felt torn.. Into shreds.. So yeah, the ungrateful child has a heart, a broken one at that.. Was never really good at lying to my parents.. Never really could count the times.. and it has only been a year..

It's always easier to ask forginess from God than from our own fellow human beings.. Wrongs we did God never seem to take as much effect as those we did humans..

Went to my grandmother's but didn't get the chance to connect with my new step- grandfather, as he wasn't there.. My real grandfather's presense was still strong in that house and everyone knew it.. His smell still lingers and most of his stuff are still left untouched.. 2 years gone but it seems like yesterday..

Went to my aunts' and uncles' and since I'm staying in NTU, a semester's story seems like a lifetime.. Most of them had a heart to heart talk to me.. Especially about love, marriage and money.. Warning me the dangers of life and all..

But I think they're too late.. If they knew the things I've done, they'd probably burn me already..

And seeing my younger cousins, it occured to me how much I love kids and that they give meaning to everything.. Justice and innocence are only limited to them and only they could understand and feel true peace and love.. We adults are just too distorted to ever be humans again..

Sometimes, I wish things were simpler.. Like my mom working office hours or maybe just stay a housewife.. Or maybe my dad lets me be financially independent- to pay my own bills and school stuff.. Or that my elder sis won't be so damn fucked up and give a lil' attention to her own daughter.. Or maybe I won't be so damn forgetful and reverse my habit of blocking out stuff..

But it's hard.. Nobody's perfect.. Going from one house to another, I've yet to find a perfect lil' family in which all of its members get into their roles naturally.. Not forgetting their lines, switching roles as and when required, projecting their voices to the hall and not slipping on their costumes..

My family is dysfunctional, no doubt, but talking to my relatives made me realise that my family might just be quite the better few.. And yes, we may not be perfect, but God and life are fair.. IF you see the big picture..

The poor may look as tho' they're suffering far more than the rich, but actually, there is a balance.. My family is somewhat in between.. At times, I wish my family were poorer so that we'll never forget to treasure what we have now.. But again, sometimes I think the poor would rather remain poor..

The poor may have to put up with hunger, hard labour and limited expenses, but the rich, it's far more complicated.. Not affected physically, but mentally and emotionally.. From my family alone: I suffered from depression and insomnia, my parents troubled by their investments, their marriage and their affairs, my sis struggling as a young unmarried mother and my younger siblings all neglected and expected to grow up on their own..

It almost sounds like 'Days of Our Lives'..

But as one aunt told me yesterday,

"One after another, problems come. At most times, another comes before the previous is solved. And the smarter we think we are at solving these problems, the harder they get. And at times, we'll be torn to think for ourselves or for others."

Yes, she's having problems. Her words kept repeating over and over again in my head. I can see it in her eyes, she's troubled... But well hidden with the new flat 42 inch plasma TV, her new orange chevrolet, all the wonderful cooking which even includes a self- made ice cream cake and her announcement of her daughter's wedding next year.. Perfect icing to cover the burn beneath..

Much truth in that.. It's like, spiderman..

"With great power comes great responsibility."

If I were to solve my problems thinking of only myself, I'll probably achieve my ambitions, but I'll be alone and detached from the world.. I'll have no place to call home, no kids, no husband and probably be very rich.. No, I shall not reveal how I see myself in 10 years.. Sorry to disappoint..

And I always thought her family was perfect, but as she poured out her heart to me, I'm grateful of mine..

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I'm doing this more publicly so that before you send out those hate mails, you might reconsider..

To mail #1: The anti- lesbian..

Yes, I am a muslim and I've gone quite deep in the lesbian world. I'm sorry to have tarnished our Muslim's reputation, but I do believe it's between me and God.. And as I've said in the previous post, I'm trying very hard to pull myself out of that lifestyle.. And in a post a very long time ago, I said I never believed that lesbians ever existed, they are just a bunch of women, more expressive and affectionate than others.. Physically, we women just can't fuck one other, and finger fucking don't count.. I fell soo many times in the same hole (hehe) and I do believe that I have to climb up the ladder alone to get out.. Not even you can pull me out..

And it doesn't mean that if I decide to change, I'll have to burn down all my ex- lesbian hangouts and clubs.. My lesbian friends and ex- es are humans too, and I have no right to judge.. They've been there for me, and even tho' I no longer support thair sexuality, I'm not against it.. Because to me, lesbians never did exist in the first place.. They might never be wrong in the first place to provide pleasure to their similar gender because some of them just do it out of loneliness not really love or lust..

Imagine: What if your own mother was a lesbian when she was young? If you had known, will you kill her? Ignore her? Knowing that she let it go and got pregnant with you, will you stay anti- lesbian? Will you forgive, or do you actually have the right to forgive in the first place?

People change and make mistakes..

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Mail #2: The anti -porn

Yes, I do take pictures of nudes, but I've never done it outdoors.. The funny thing is, how can you assume I was doing porn? I have no license to.. And I do it for my own learning.. Actually, they are not really porn because no one's fucking.. No oral or BDSM involved either... Seriously, try taking candid shots of people, portraits and human expression.. It has been really tough for me and I do use volunteers for practice, but like I said in another post, I never abuse.. You can say that lighting plays the energy in the photo, but hell, working with people, it's tough to superpose their energies with that of the most perfect lighting.. I've been pratising and I still suck at them...

And on a more relevant note, if you decide to be anti- porn, why not be anti media? Seriously, don't you think R21 movies are just as bad? Even MTV is just as bad.. Women in bikini without any form of padding leaves very little to the imagination...

Anyway, porn doesn't make men expect more from women.. I do believe that we women want to increase our bustline, not because of men, but women ourselves.. Yes, porn do feature the D- cups and above... and yes, there are people out there who prefer to masturbate rather than having the actual intercourse.. But I do believe that men aren't that shallow to hate small breasts on amazing, smart, kind, beautiful women because it is more evident that most men aren't as perfectly sculpted as most women.. And yes, most of the cumming, orgasms and huge tits are STAGED.. There is the real world, where in Singapore, the average size is a 34B..

I'm not supporting porn or anything.. Thing is, to me, it's like TV.. If a kid sees it, he'll might not grow up right.. But maybe, he might turn out to be all the more mature than other kids..

Seriously, if I caught my bf in the middle of getting off to playboy, I'll ask if he needs help.. I'm quite sure I'd rather be his choice than a bunch of photos..

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I'll reply to the other mails when I feel like it.. Til then, good night..