Lesson learnt..

I don't know what it is about entering the BIG 2-0 that suddenly brings about all sorts of experiences..

Warning: This is gonna be long. Close this window immediately if you are actually in a good mood..

Just came back from a discussion with Zuki's family and in- laws.. It's hilarious how on the way back, recalling what happened, and how timely they were, that I kept on smiling to myself with my eyes shut in the train..

Everyone has problems.. It's funny how people usually perceive that depression is weighed by experiences.. I was quite puzzled when people kept on saying,

"Kau belom kahwin. Kau tak tau perasaan. Tak tau betapa sakit hati."
("You're not married. You don't know how it feels. The intensity of the heartache.")

I'm not married, I know. But I do not believe that only when my husband leaves me that I feel the sting of betrayal. Even between family and friends, I could cry feeling the harshness of abandonment..

Firstly, to Zuki and Zyzy (or Zurah), I'm sorry for ever getting to know Zuki.. And I'm sorry if I disappoint you guys that I appeared quite smiley and maybe too relaxed about the situation.. I tried my best just now to show sincerity and not to ridicule and be cynical about both of your jealous antics..

I'm not one to wallow in remorse. I smile easier than I frown. It's in my nature. I'm sorry. And seeing your kids made it even harder. You feel it for yourself. Even now I still laugh to myself..

But watching them just now, I actually feel sorry for them. I know I have no right to, but it's just sad that Zuki and Zyzy did not realise how blessed they are. They didn't even realise that they still have each other. Both too busy to find other ways of release. Even with all the financial problems they have, their beutiful kids bring them joy and most importantly, every member of that family CARED about them..

Know my family and you'll understand what I mean. Yes, we're well to do. Yes, we were bred with high expectations and education. BUT the coldness and cruelty in our hearts that forbids any form of humanity to enter our damned souls, will make you beg to be poor. The judgements passed, the hypocracy and the expectations! Goodness. I was well shocked that you people are allowed to smoke in the house, have tattoos and speak of violence so freely. Already feeling trapped in your marriage? Try surviving my home. TRAPPED. Word of the day..

I look at Adreena and compare her to their kids, and become quite envious. They have siblings their age to play with and both their parents love them. Adreena's father havn't seen her for more than a year already and (as recently spotted) still drinking his nights away, and her mom (my sis) ran away from home for over a month now, not even enquiring the well being of her own daughter. I doubt she ever loved Adreena. Well, not as much as her aunty does..

My mom is all about her shop and my dad all about his work. All too busy for one another, but too free to have affairs elsewhere, in Thailand, in Hong Kong, in Turkey. Know my cycnism about marriage and how only now, after watching Zuki and Zyzy, did I truly value that constitution..

All I'm saying is, be grateful of what you guys have, your children. The openess of your surroundings that allows you to grow and be independent of your decisions..

Before heading to Australia, after spending the night with Zuki at he waterfront, I begged to God after Subuh:

"Please, for the sake of Zuki's marriage and children, forbid this friendship. Forgive me of my sins and lead me to that true path. Listen to me and answer me God."

True enough, when I came back, this happened.. "Something always happens when I'm gone. I knew it." And surprisingly, when I came back, Ahmad asked me out again. Curious. How timely.

And like I said to Zuki once about him (my ex), about me asking God for a sign. I always assumed whatever I asked for will be granted. So it is. So maybe that was why Zyzy was in a rage and even called me up and on top of that, wanted me to come. And maybe that's why we had that discussion just now, even tho' I have no say in your marriage. Even tho I served no purpose there. Haha..

But I have to say this to Zuki. I did enjoy our friendship, no matter how brief it was. Your companionship has been my best friend and it has brought me much joy and pleasure knowing you. I just wished that you could talk as much to your wife. I've seen and heard you talk at length. Disappointed to see how you reacted just now. Think I told you soo many times, "Sometimes, I don't know whether it's you or her who wants the divorce." Resistance is futile my friend. I bet Zyzy is YEARNING to hear you out, but you guys must've turn each other off with all the shouting and accusations. All that jealous rage..

One thing struck me just now. How humourous that Along lady was and her son (Min?) too. I kept on smiling to myself listening to them. It's weird how I offended her by laughing at the fact she said "Belacan masih terselit kat gigi", when I'm actually ALLERGIC to chilli and later on I made peace with her on my way out and even manage to wish her Selamat Hari Raya! Hahaha.. She damn farnie.. Min was even funnier. Angry thinking I spent the night with Zuki at work last nite, when it was actually a conference call. Should see the look on his face. I recalled how he kept on asking Zuki to pass the phone to me last nite.. Hahaha.. He even admitted to being paiseh.. Couldn't laugh even more.. hahaha.. Cute I must say..

They were probably why I was laughing to myself in the train..

And reflecting this right now, I have a question to God:

Why do you ALWAYS fate my relationships in a way I'm at the wrong place and time?

Always. All the past 3 relationships. WHY? You wanted to prove a point to me? You wanted me to learn something? You want me to hear other people? You want me to wreck their relationships and then forge them back? Even when I'm not involved and I have no say?

Not blaming You, but why am I always put to tread places I don't belong? Please, hear me and answer.

Another

bruised spine..

Yes, fell again.. WTH.. I should just sit my arse down, not do any sports whatsoever and grow F-A-T!

Ugh! Maybe I shouldn't even walk.. Or maybe walk on the streets with protective gears strapped on.. Clumsy! Clumsy! Clumsy!

Sorry about my obsession with weight these days.. And if lucky you know where I am and what I have to eat right now, you know I have a major rash attack..
Things I want to do with my body:

1) Lipo my arse and tummy
2) Remove scars from my legs and back
3) Stop the rashes (everywhere!)
4) Remove bodily hair permanently
5) Get breast augmentation
6) Get a facial

Ugh.. The INSECURITY! Ok you shitheads, you don't need to tell me about how much therapy I need to love my own body.. I know I don't REALLY REALLY need all that, but I just want to look better.. No harm hoping..

I want to talk about love right now for I am missing someone soooooo badly, who is thousands of miles away.. But love is still quite subjective.. So let's talk about school.. Hahaha.. (What a diversion!)

School's reopening soon, results will soon be out, I've not received any letters about applying hostels adhoc and electives chosen are still on waiting lists.. WTF.. The hols is just too short! It ain't fair!!!

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Waiting for April.. Then it's weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

Ok,I just got out of the waters and dried myself.. Gotta change.. EXCITED to see y'all in sch..

I'm simply

tired..

Firstly, I want to thank my sis for passing me the first 2 seasons of Prison Break..

Next, I want to thank a particular someone who gave me a huge multiple love bite on my neck and making me look like a slut when I went to work yesterday.. Now Yayah, Faizah, Shafah, Ellein, Naz and Auriel think I'm some promiscuous girl fucking too many guys..

And lastly, I want to thank Hana Maria (Hann) for sending me this message (below) last nite while I was at work. It's regarding my previous post. (I tried to follow the spelling of the words in the message best as I can, so that u fellow readers can understand it)

"hi yata, i read ur blog. shafa gave d add. i noe u aint hapi w wat i wrote abt u on frenster. 1stly, i'm not sincere, don worri. 2nd, i'm deletin it cos lisa read it oredi. 3rd, it was actuali 4 her, not u. i was just mad at her. And if there's anybody i talk about that'll make her mad is u. Lastli, the who i want to meet aint for u oso. I could never hav such deep feelings for u. I'm sorry if i misled u. thought u wouldn't even glance thru my profile! =) nitez.."

My thoughts? Thanx for the explanation, but using me (AGAIN) to get back at Lisa is NOT KEWL. Like I said in a message when we were arguing previously, NEVER involve me in your fucked up relationships. U want to get back to her, go ahead, no one's stopping, but don't use me (the thanx I get for being a friend, and a math tutor). STOP BEING IN A FUCKING DENIAL. Seriously, I'd hate to quit Starbucks just because I HATE what you are doing.

Tho' the message above kinda make me feel a lil' relieved. Least I know I have less to worry about.

An insight to a fucked up, emotional mind of a homosexual.

Not again

Was surfing around friendster after replying to some messages.. Chanced upon someone's 'About me'.. Was happily reading it until it came to this part:

"I'd love to buy DARK CHOC TOBLERONE & give to you.. ;p
I'd love to kiss you & pretend like it never happen.. ;p
I'd love to see you smile at me everyday.. ;p
I'd love to stare at your pretty pair of eyes though the color is fake.. ;p
I'd love to see you get mad at me for making you feel used.. ;p
I'd love to hold your short & fat fingers whenever i wanna.. ;p
I'd love to tell you that i cant diminish all these feelings..
Im just hoping you read this & you know who you are.. ;p

Who I Want to Meet:

I thought i was over you! I should be! But those memories.. Here i am playing with them. Time never did heal me. Time didn't out grew what I have for you.. I tried, but the thoughts of you keep taunting me! I've done everything i can. I still miss everything about you. I can't pretend that my heart was mend. Just when i thought i was over you. Someone has to remind me of you.. Maybe you are the only one that can fill this space inside. Im still alive! Why can't you just say HI!? SNAzura A dream that never end.."

Just ONE kiss. ONE mistake. ONE HUGE mistake, and she had to rub it in my face like this. Why must she do this to me?!

I hate myself. Don't break me like this.

On The Edge..

Firstly, I just went to a BBQ wif the Starbux partners last nite. And it was great fun. Even though it was just playing stoopid games like Twister and chuchuchu stuff. Haha.. Kinda miss hanging out with them like that, not like how it is at work now.. All targets and stress.. Missing the humanity in them..

All I can say is, the old partners are bonded close knit.. New partners? Ugh..

Actually, I wanted to post today 'cos I felt that this blog has recently been quite abandoned by the inner me, with crappy, superficial posts and clumsily uploaded photos. So here's some reality....

Okay, recently, I gave out my number to a guy only to realise he's married and already has 2 kids. Mistake? I don't know. At first, I thought, 'SHIT! What have you got yourself into!' But now, I do believe it's quite fate's doing.. With my recently (forever) broken relationships with complicated men that only the experienced Razak can vouch for, I find it purely mysterious how I even agreed to give my number..

Seriously, my head versus heart war unleashed within me. I mean he's married! Yikes! I used to despise, scorn at women who bug married men, and now, look what I'm doing! If it were my parent's marriage, my mom would have killed me..

Frankly, I wasn't really afraid that it'll wreak his already-divorce-applied marriage, but I was more afraid I'll like him. I mean, most of the time, I TEND to fall for the wrong-est of guys; those who'll have my parents burning red knowing that they didn't even finish school, etc..

And this guy, he's the epitome of it all.. I thought school drop outs, ex-cons and gangsters are bad enough.. But.. Married and divorced? Only at 24?

Sometimes, I look at myself and wonder why I even gave these guys a chance to get through me. The men I chance upon! Why must they be soooo.. wrong?? But hey, making friends is never wrong, is it?

How do I get out of this? So help me God..

Oya.. Another interesting thing happened. Recently, some band want me as their singer.. Hahaha.. How odd.. This is somewhat the conversation I had.

Guy: Hello, can I speak to Yati?
Yati: Yes. Who is this?
Guy: Call me Gideon. Aidil gave me your number.
Yati: Aidil? What for? He didn't tell me.
Guy: I heard you singing at his place the other day, for his wife's farewell. And I thought you were awesome. I'm asking if you would be interested joining my band.
Yati: HAHAHA. Really? Thanx, but seriously, I'm not trained or experienced. And probably, not interested. Quite busy these days. Sorry. But it's nice of you.
Guy: Oo. Ok. But if you change your mind, the offer still stands. You can call me with this number.
Yati: Orite. Thanx. Bye.

Interesting aye?

let me creep back into my shell..

I just took a quiz. And this is the result. True?