Let it go...

Tonight, I want to talk to God..

Dear God,

I'm sorry, but I have no one to turn to..

You made me, so I know you are the only one who truly understands my mechanism.. You are my only doctor and I need a major check up.. I bet you already anticipated this visit..

I know you might not even want to hear me, but know at least I'm trying.. I am really really trying.. Sometimes, I wish I could return to you as perfect as the condition when you let me free.. I know I did so many things wrong, you must have damned me already.. In fact, I already felt your wrath from deep within me..

Sometimes, I hate it when you do that.. I have to admit I know alot of things happen because of you.. In fact, everything.. I really hate you for making me feel miserable, but I know I can't blame you.. I know what I did and I know I probably deserved it..

Sometimes, I hate the fact that you laid your terms so early in my life and I just HAD to agree to them, merely because you are GOD.. And I know I've not kept to the terms, I broke so many promises and I still do.. Please forgive me.. I know I'm stubborn and disobedient, but really, I'm trying..

Sometimes, I wonder if you enjoy watching me cry.. Sorry that I've grown cynical, but do you? You probably already know this, but the main reason I cry is all because of you.. Because of you, for everything I screwed up, I get depressed.. People call it guilty conscience, but I know it was actually you in disguise.. And "guilty conscience" seems to be in my head 100% of the time.. Even when in rebellion...

But dear God, I really want to thank you.. I want to thank you for all the strength and intellectual ability you've given me, for all the tests, for all the experiences (forbidden or not), for chocolates, for all my friends but mostly, I want to thank you for giving me my family and Hanafe..

I can never thank you enough for giving me them.. I've never been happier in my stay on Earth than now, but also I've never been so miserable.. And I've been so ungrateful, I understand why you probably hate me too.. But seriously, your efforts I shall learn to appreciate.. I really WANT to change, but it's been soo tough.. I don't know what to do, God.. Really.. For every step up I take, the harder the fall..

You know what's interesting? When I don't give a damn, people advice me to change, but when I do give a damn about changing, no one seems to support me.. When I was staying at home and I intentionally don't care about my family, they don't seem to bother or need me.. But now that I stay in a hostel, I seem to think about them every moment, but they seem to hate me.. And lastly, when I don't know yet if whether I truly love Hanafe, he seems to be happy to have me, but now that I really can't detach myself from him and love him even more and more each day, I seem to hurt him..

And God, it hurts me even more when I think about all this... I hate crying so much.. And eye infections is not fair to make me stop crying.. It's not funny okay.. In fact, it is discouraging to know that right changes in me may give me the wrong outcomes.. I don't want to hurt anybody and I can't bear to lose my family or Hanafe even if you forbid it..

WHY GOD? WHY?

I know I'm loathing in self pity and denial, but I can't help it.. I can't cope.. Stop with the tests for just one moment okay.. Please? And I know retribution now is a blessing in disguise, but I can't deal with it now..

Or maybe help me.. If you don't even want to give light to my path or answer my questions, at least give me a hint, a guide.. A dream, a gush of wind, anything.. I'll take it seriously this time, I swear..

And I know I already know the answers to my own questions, so maybe you can change me? Make me softer yet strong, make me obedient yet smart.. Or maybe just make me happy.. Give me satisfaction, gratification and fullness..

I know I have no right to ask, but one can always hope..

Thinking of you always,
Yati..

Suprises come in small packages

Aaaaaaahh.. Finally.. The craving! Thanx to sweetie who bought 2 bars of dark toblerone.. The spree went on at MARKS & SPENCER yesterday wif the Loners..

And yeah nicely wrapped already:




Find out what they are at the chalet itself aite.. So do come down..

But I have to say this.. I do feel a lil' awkward going to a chalet that's gonna be full of people I don't know..

And yeah.. from the last update.. I did make the sock puppet show and glad that I did because Meridel loved it!

"tremendous improvment and progress from your Mise en Scene piece.. tremendous"

And I have to say, my class is full of excellent future filmmakers.. In fact, they already are.. Aida's, Kenny's and Yan Ying's presentation brought the class to tears.. Yes, TEARS..

Imagine how powerful their presentations were.. And mind you guys, they were no longer than 10 mins.. Amazing, I say..

Anyway, a certain someone has been haunting me in my dreams.. And just now, I just saw a photo of him by accident.. Brings back memories.. Wonderful ones mostly.. But why now?

God, please don't take away my happiness now.. I love him too much..

Kit Kat

Ok.. I need a break..

Usually I would complain about school work and shit, but today I'd like to say the opposite.. I think I actually like my school work.. I actually ENJOYED it.. Yikes!

Was doing Meridel's assignment about my personal family story.. I wrote it out as a play.. My plan is to make a "sock puppet" play show and present it tomorrow.. That is still pending 'cos I'm actually too lazy to do these puppets..

And I just watched the movie The Notebook which has been in my laptop for months now unwatched til today.. After writing out that play and watching that movie, I realised that love at old age is most romantic.. For those who have never watched the movie, I would advise you to, because it's not like those common love stories that involves only 2 people falling in love and have a happy ending, but it is also about choices and has quite a horrible ending..

The reason why I love that movie so much is because it is actually a back story.. And also because even though it was actually set in the 1940's the problems are as real as today and as applicable to me..

Somehow I could see myself in that story.. The women like wearing pearl earrings, thick mascara and all of them drive vintage cars (I loike!).. In relation to me, the main character

1) has dementia at old age (an illness whereby they forget everything),
2) she is very erratic and make rash decisions,
3) she wants to know what her partner wants but doesn't know what she wants,
4) she talks about responsibility (in terms of sex and loyalty) but never practice it because she loves her partner too much,
5) she has problems talking to her parents about the guys she go out with even though the guy is already very well approved by her parents,
6) her parents are choosy and don't like guys without proper jobs or education,
7) she has a busy schedule,
8) she dates all sorts of men- the filthy rich and the poor,
9) she loves painting,
10) she thinks alot and wants her partner to verbalise his thoughts instead,
11) she starts talking too much when making out because she's insecure,

and last but not least, she says I love you many times to the man she's not so keen on, but only once to the man she really loved..

Scary isn't it?

Anyway, to my sweetie, know that when you love someone, it's not because of the qualities they have, but how much you can tolerate them.. In fact, you love to tolerate them, because they were easy to love.. And people change all the time.. They possess different qualities when they change.. But lovers don't stop loving despite the changes, do they?

Maybe that's why you sometimes don't know why you like me.. I remembered when I asked, you just went like,

"There's no reason to love someone.... Some things don't need reasons."

I know you were quite disappointed about what I said last nite about what I like about you.. But you kept quiet.. Just know that I love you even more with your flaws and nonsense.. Personality don't get people far in relationships.. Even if you're smart and humourous, how many jokes can you crack to make people laugh before they get sick and tired of you? Everyone has a breaking point, no matter what personality.. Everyone experience heartaches no matter how popular or hot or desirable they can be..

And I'm sorry that I can't remember what I said as my reason of loving you, but for now it's because..

You are easy to love..

And that you make my sacrifices worthwhile because not only you WANT, but NEED to be loved.. Maybe my last reason which I can't be able to recall was waaay different and more impressive, but this is me.. for now..

I hope you can understand what I mean.. And I hope you're not too heartbroken or hurt..

I'm feeling....

GUILTY..

Yeah 'cos I'm not at the zoo right now, but at YOUR place, using YOUR "two- piece laptop" to write this..

And don't worry I didn't go snooping elsewhere 'cos I know you'll get mad at me.. And I hope you're not mad at what I'm doing right now..

When I woke up this morning, all I did was to think about you.. Because of last night, I know that physically, I'm at the receiving end because you like to give so much and I know I haven't made much effort..

It's not because I don't want to, but because I don't know how.. Hey I'm still 20, you know.. I have alot to learn, and you have alot to teach..

I know this ignorance is very very selfish, but I need to be assured.. In that, I realised that it's not only me, but you too.. Maybe you need that assurance EVEN MORE..

"That'll will make you remember me.."

However, on the emotional end, I think both of us are quite on par and we have a long way to go.. Most people believe that you have to understand your partner emotionally before getting physical because it takes maturity to handle intimacy.. But I believe it's the other way around..

I wanted to see your wedding photos last nite because I wanted to understand the pain you went through.. Just so you know, I never really got over any of my ex-es.. In fact, I left a spot for every one of them because they made me who I am now.. They made me learn and I really appreciate it, especially when I talk to others who have not yet dare to jump into this love pool.. No matter how much of a jerk they can be, there was a point we were in love and cherished.. And I know this can very well be similar to you..

Because you even got married..

On one side I do give a damn about your past, and on the other side, I want to put our pasts aside (sounds like a tongue twister, hehe).. I can look beyond your past, and I hope you can do the same.. Especially that now I'm trying to make alot of changes in myself.. I am more than eager to learn about your past experiences, but I'm not bothered by them.. When you make comparisons between your ex and me, I expect you to share them with me.. Don't worry if I get hurt or not, because it'll hurt even more when I fail to understand your honest opinion..

You should know that I was trying to be you, looking at your own pictures with your ex, and I really wept inside, feeling the loss you went through.. The heartaches upon heartaches that tears you every night.. How broken you are and how you don't know where to begin to rebuild yourself, or even care to rebuild yourself ever.. Probably, even how many times you want the pain to stop by killing the very source:

Your heart..

Sometimes, when I look at you, I can still see traces of that..

I will never reveal or show any of these feelings or thoughts when I'm with you because don't want to be the reminder of your past, but I want to create a different set of memories for you, be it better or worse.. I want to be different..

I know I could make more effort, but my choices are limited.. I'm still schooling, I work and I'm very much attached to my family.. I hope you can understand whenever I refuse your requests.. And I hope you are prepared to give me time.. Years I mean..

On my end, I still need the assurance that I'm not played a fool.. I know you'll never do that or intend to do that.. But I just need the assurance.. Mostly, I never really treated relationships seriously because I've been played out several times, so I know they'll end anyway.. And I can't be bothered.. I can even treat heartaches like a cold..

I believe that time heals all wounds.. But provided you're not dead already..

I could say that my heart has been really cold for quite some time.. But I want to change, remember? I want to bother, and I want to make a struggle for us..

Now I just realised that both of us are very Lazarusylicious.. Back from the dead..

Okay I think I should get out of here before spending another night.. Hahaha..

Work week..

Yikes.. This week I'm gonna spend 4 days at work.. Yes, F-O-U-R bloody days: today, thursday, friday and sunday..

Again, my fault, my planning.. Shouldn't be complaining..

So I'm having my break right now and eating curry puff while blogging.. So much for jogging last nite.. But this curry puff damn nice laa.. It's the epok- epok type but HUGER.. Not hot- just nice enough for my taste buds and it has a whole boiled egg inside! I mean normally you get just the curry with potatoes, or at most an addition of a quarter slice of an egg, but this- one whole bloody egg..

Okaay.. Now i sound like a jakun.. A miserable, mal- nutritioned child from Africa..

Anw, school has been asking for the weirdest assignments.. Yesterday, I came to class an hour late.. But wth.. The class is a 5 hour long studio work anyway.. So guess what I did in class?




Drilling! Hahaha.. Yeah.. With my eyes closed! So much for not wanting to wear goggles and look weird in photos.. Drilling like a blind guy.. Pro onot? Hahaha.. We were drilling wooden cubes.. The one above is just one side of the cube.. We managed to drill 18 cubes by 1pm..

And thanx to my dearest sweetheart, I have to wear stuff that covers my neck in class..

And now I just realised I should get my hair roots touched up.. Gawd awful laa..

K.. I gtg.. Think someone spotted me eating in the com lab.. Hee hee..

By the way, I LOVE YOU, sweetie..

Dates dates dates

heyhey... I'm back..

To all who left me messages from 26th to 28th Feb and didn't get any reply, I'm sorry.. Was in KL with my family.. And I'm sorry if I didn't inform like I would normally do..

Good news, the photos from MOS appeared! Omg.. (Like as tho they matter anymore)..

Firstly, to Prasanna, Happy Belated Birthday.. Sorry I never made it to the celebration.. I was busy with my stupid coffee master challenge (which I passed btw, yay!- whatever).. Seriously, when I think about it again, I should have just met you guys and enjoy.. Ugh! Work should just stay the way it is- WORK..

Work and social life can NEVER co- exist.. If not, I'll be like Hakim (if some of you people know).. Not that I hate him or something.. I mean he's a very nice guy and a great friend to chat up with.. But I just find that he can be quite TOO pro- Starbucks at times.. Quite annoying really..

Anyway, I finally submitted to switching my blog to the new google account.. Dunno wad's the difference.. I just hope that it wouldn't ruin anything..

This "recess week" has been really quite a blunder.. So many datelines to remember and so many people having so many birthdays.. Messages after messages reminding me dates and events, that I feel like not attending to any at all!! You people have nothing better to do during my break but disturb me right?! I was expecting all this when school reopens, but no... People are just too free and bored!

Birthdays celebrations this march: My dad's, Yazid's, Vidya's, Faizah's, Siti's, Abriz's..

Datelines and events:
5th-- Sketches of 3D
6th-- Show and tell of Majors
7th-- Zoo outing
8th-- Selection of my Major for next Sem
-- 4D portfolio due
10th-- GPA
13th-- 2D assignment due
15th-- 4D story narrative due
19th-- 4D drawings,etc due
29th-- 4D presentation

Hmm..

And tomorrow I'm having my day out with my sweetheart! Yeay! Skating, movies and the beach!

Oya.. I'm supposed to do laundry..