Goodbye...

Apparently, I'm not the only one saying goodbye to an old habit (see previous post)...

Tonight, I am invited as a witness to a 'Berazone' ceremony created by yours truly...

Here's a lil' bit about it...

When I was 14, I wanted to change and give up my love for art because I was devastated knowin that I can never take 'art' as a subject in upper sec level. So, I created a ceremony called the 'Berazone' where I razed all my artwork to ashes.. I wanted to put everything in the past and not remember them (the effect is VERY obvious, as you can see).. And it worked for me..

Not only artworks, but everything else that was somehow manipulated by me... Everything that had my initials or personal touch.. I created a list that went all the way to number 56 of the things burnt, including my old easel, paints, pastels and shoes.. This ceremony was witness by the one and only Aidil and he signed the list and kept it and will return it to me when he feels that I forgot about ALL of them..

Emotional and angry lil' child I was...

But now it's his turn... I havnt asked why he's giving all of his sketches up but I guess true reasons are very personal.. Tonight I shall be at his house setting his memories on fire... And I thought I should buy some of his stuff or maybe steal a lil' before lighting up, but I'm a WITNESS..

What a waste of pure talent... I think he could have made it big...

if he had went elsewhere...

BUMP N' GRIND!

Just had the last clubbing session before puasa.. maybe even the last one EVER...

So yeah.. I will record this because I never recorded my first clubbing experience with Aidil at Canto (you youngsters might not have heard abt it)..

And YES, I do intend to stop this mindless nonsense bullcrap social activities...

So people, STOP ASKING ME OUT CLUBBING OR 'A LITTLE DANCING' OUTING and the like..

And doc, I only had an orange juice, coke (cola, mind you), cranberry juice and lotsa ice water... You can tear up my liver all you want, if you arent convinced... You can even ask the bar girl at CHINABLACK.. Her name is Faridah, we call her Farid... She's also working at Starbucks at orchard.. Thank god she was there... Otherwise, I'll be soo embarrassed with my orders... Funky girl, who has nice blonde locks.. Efficient lil' bartender I must say..

But what the heck! It was Ladies Nite, my nite..

And a BIG thank you to Has and Ellein for not drinkin as well... And I have to say this:

ELLEIN CAN REALLY SHAKE HER BOOTY... No doubt, vice president of Dance Club in TP..

Let's begin..

At first, I met Has at Mac's near Lido.. Knowing the number of people who'll be turning up, I thought I was gonna have a lousy nite, trying to get pass thru a crowd mainly made up of youngters, who are very underaged (c'mon, we all know it), and freaking rhythm-less manjens...

That is the TYPICAL CHINABLACK experience these days...

Has and I got there early, so we met Farid and checked out the place.. And then later went down to Mac's coz I havnt eaten the WHOLE day (practising for puasa, hehe)..

Was introduced to a guy and his friend down the lift, Yan and Rahim, who were club hoppin and were heading to Devil's Bar.. Nuggets meal downed and went to 7-11 to get ciggies.. There we met those guys again.. Yan whispered to me at the counter,
"Cik Adik, can I get your number?"

"Sorry, darlin, no."

"Oh, ni ader pantang larang nye laa ni." And leaned closer...

(Yati looks at him, forced a smile and RAN to Has)

Ok, guys, that's NOT how to get a girl's number, FREAK! Learn from this, don't try to be funny or pushy when tryin to get numbers.. She'll willingly give it to you if you dance with her at the club, chat over a drink or something.. Strangers who look pervertic and sound cheesy are never near any prospective target of finding a mate.. Unless, the girl is desperate and has no sense of humour..

Mind you, if you look ang moh and rich, know the girl you want to get close to.. You might end up compromising an expensive room at Swissotel and additional charges mounting to almost 500 bucks and still have your balls asleep (Ahem, you should know who, haha)...

Later, we met Ellein and went up and chatted with Farid before hitting the dancefloor at midnight..

It was damn damn crowded! But thankfully, not filled with all manjens or youngsters... Had a the usual stares from mats who were throwing a weak "Hi" which are drowned by the funky music... DJ was really good tonight.. dunno who, but was super good...

So just 'Buat bodoh' and danced with Has and Ellein.. They thought I could go really down, cos yes, i really could, and yes, my thighs will hurt tomorrow... We went on the platform... Danced for about one hour before chatting with Farid at the bar again... It was hot, man..

Yada yada yada... And danced again...

This time, we had more people dancing with us, a mat, an ang moh and a crazy manjen freak.. The other two were fun, but this freak- hell of an ah beng in white shirt practically grabbed me from the back and was rubbing my front torso and clinging to the egdes of my jeans...

WHAT THE HELL???

Ellein and Has just stared and knew I was in deep shit, so they pulled me away from him, we pretended to stop and moved to another corner... A safe one with SECURITY guys...

Look, I'm fine with dancing.. Just know where to put your hands, will ya? It's just dancing, k?

We got real tired and went to Farid again.. Saw a guy being dragged out by security.. And met an ex- Starbucks manager, Naz, who is now a manager at CHINABLACK..

Yada yada yada and we hit the dancefloor again.. It was like 1.45 a.m...

Went onto the platform, with Ellein's friend.. There I danced with a scrawny ang moh, who really dunno how to dance.. A bunch of mats were winking at me on the floor and signalled to go off the platform and dance with em, until...

the crew from the centre bar started bar top dancing and throwing their clothes off.. One of the guys went all the way down to his boxers and Naz, poured a pitcher of ice water on him.. and that guy's body was hottt..

And the music, it got better and better.. We planned to go off by 2.15, but got down at 2.45 instead... Great music man..

When I got down, I pretended to be deaf to the hello's and hi's of the mats watching me from below... Weak intro, I tell ya..

So yeah, thanked and bid farewell to Farid before taking a cab back to NTU costing 18.60..

In the cab, there was a car following us from CHINABLACK.. At the end of the expressway, at a red light, 3 guys in the car stared at me and waved and wound their windows down... And signalled to me to do the same.. They look drunk, so yeah..

I smiled and waved back and pretended to talk to the cab driver.. Red light felt long and I was hoping that my cab will speed off at the first sight of green.. Thank God, it did..

To Has, hope you'll be strong enough for opening shift tmr... Hahaha...

Special thanx to Has, Ellein and Farid for making my last clubbing experience a memorable one... Fun nite.. The last bump and grind...

RELOADED....

ok... major problem with the previous few uploaded photos... so yeah.. now you can actually click on 'em... cos they are RE- UPLOADED...

ok.. i think my nites are back...

tmr, it's ladies nite y'all... yeehaw...

BURP!

ok.. I came to school early today to catch my first tutorial at 8.30 a.m...

But, I had the sudden urge to get Mac Donald's breakfast...

So after I alighted the cab, I banged on my hostel room door and woke Salleha from her slumber, threw my 5kg bag on my bed and rushed off to mac's...

It's now almost 9a.m...

See how pointless life is???

I have another 11 hours before my assignment is due today at 8p.m.

Done half of it tho'...

Today, it's my clumsy day... When I got onto the bus this morning, my HUGE bag hit a small primary school kid.. On side view, you can see that my bag is 1 and a half times as wide as I am and probably thrice the size of that kid... BAM! I hope he's ok.....

On the train, I stepped on a lady's toes while she was asleep...

And just now, I dropped a container with about 50 pins in it...

So yeah...

I blame it on lack of sleep...

This post is probably the only one in quite a while I'm only talking about MYSELF... what's truly disturbing me...

So yeah.. I havent slept in the past... hmmmmm... 27 hours?

And I have 4 lectures later and Lonerz will go out at 6pm today to get Bed's presents...

Another thing I should mention...

I'm freaked out by myself... Been keeping quiet lately and refusing to talk... Beginning to HATE noises and people and WALKING and listening... I'm even beginning to hate my family... I dunno why... God, please, show me a sign... Is it really me? Or is everyone else a part of your simulation test for me??

I want everybody to LEAVE ME ALONE and FUCK OFF!

I went out last night for dinner with my parents and found my mom sooooooo annoying... Like childish annoying... Like I- want- my- lollipop- and- I- want- it- red kinda annoying... I can see regret in my dad's eyes and somewhat fear... Their marriage is gone... They don't need to pretend... Everyone knows... Then again, you cannot blame mama... Dad started all this...

And that night later, Farhan got horny again and we met and I think I annoyed myself more knowing that I pushed him away... More than he is annoyed at me... Seriously, not in the mood... Not in ANY mood to do ANYTHING...

I'm becoming a FREAK...

Starting to miss work.. I know I have been busy lately... Trying to catch time for sch, work, cca's, appointments, outings, family and assignments, but seriously, I'm only working 2 days a week and it's making me sick...

Something good about work: You don't need to think, you get FREE FOOD, meet cute guys from Australia and Europe, smell coffee all day and talk crap to people you don't have any form of attachment to...

And school is just too 'thinking'...

I found a sleeping pill today... hmmmmmmmmm....

Missing you, baby..

Everytime, in my hostel room, there's only one person I truly miss... So this post is dedicated to the one and only ADREENA! Recently, it was her birthday, September 16.. So here's the cute lil' rascal... She's 2 by the way.. I call her 'Nyonya'...



Nyonya pegi pasar pakai nightgown...



Nyonya tak minum susu gi tido???



The tortured, drool- soaked cookie monster I bought her...



Size dun matter y'all..



Birthday gurl, ADREENA!!!!



Naq's huge surprise...



First a guitarist, now a drummer?? (Proud parent- wannabe)

Paying debt 1..

Ok.. This is a looooooooooooooonnggg overdued post... So sorry Usha... But good news, there's no photo of Samz alone (and desperate!) here... haha...

The shoes are designed by yours truly.. Copyrighted! I actually shopped for the fabric pen with the birthday girl who has no idea what a 'laundry' pen is used for...

Enjoy, folks..

(Click on the pic to get a bigger size...)



Damn those shoes should be mine..



Shouldn't have made it so nice ey....



Aisyah shagged..



Ain the shagger..



The one who shags too much needs sleep..



Natural lightng is the best, man... (Carrot cake, anyone?)



Presenting the birthday girl, USHA!



Like mother like daughter..



Ooo... Feeding session..



Amateur feeding...



Getting hardcore (and blurry)...



Now, there's a REAL HARDCORE LIVE feed.. Ouch, don't bite!



Tushara's tee explains us...



Silver pots of gold...



The card



Realise the missing person??



As usual, no one's paying attention..



Oh look! Saru has finally decided to join us!



Signature smile... (Colgate sponsored)



Focus gone wrong...



Better appreciate them!



Frankly speaking, they will look better on MY feet..



Trademark..



The whole gang...

To you?

ok... I have a feeling that this is gonna be long... Bear with me, people, cos I'll be inching it out..

Doc, I know you'll love this... Something to share with the class (finally!)... Since you are the one so pushy on this visit, just shut up and listen..

Yesterday I went to visit Said after my graveyard shift.. Work was exhausting as M2 was busy.. EVERYTHING needs topping up, prep work was forever and bussing never ends... Dead as a dog.. Sam didn't even get any quality time to eat..

So I reached home at 9a.m. and the next thing you know, it was already noon when Mirza gave me a wake up call... Showered, watched TV and went to meet them...

The journey to Said's grandmama's place was a blur and long, i think... Somewhere in Kallang.. Suddenly Sophan and Hafiz and Fark were there... Remembered alot of talking and talking and talking and people were EVERYWHERE.. You know, those days when you have a headache and just feel like yeah-ing to everyone?

"Is that Said?" I thought to meself..

Interesting visit it was... You were right doc, I did miss him... And I needed yesterday so bad..

Oya, did I mention Salleha can't make it?

Anyway, observing the whole situation yesterday reminds me of Fir when Cik Ani was so positive despite all the load...

The difference was that Fir got smashed in the face and just needed plastic surgery and broke his leg in 3 but Said got smashed in the head, which is almost irreversible, incurable... So Fir looked more damaged but was fully verbally funtional while Said looked fine but was quite immobile... I didn't show much grief tho'.. And nobody seems to know whether his education is wasted or just cannot be expressed... But I think Said's recovery is quite fast, considering it's been 4 months and he's able to sit on a wheel chair.. I remembered Fir being sponge- bathed at 6 months in bed...

Said's left side seems dead but his right seems ok.. His right hand is tied down to the chair to prevent him from scratching his itchy, healing dent on the right side of his head... His mom said he'll scratch and bleed all over his pillow... He was drooling and wasnt able to control his lips, like when dentists numb your gums to extract teeth.. Yeah, same situation, I guess.. He needs an adult diaper and is fed thru a tube running to his insides..

Some moments he'll smile or stare at people... He's able to write some... Don't think he remembered me.. He just stared hard and didn't respond much... And when I gave the card he did the same thing...

And he's soooooooo skinny... Think he's about 30kg? Maybe 25 even, compared to my 12 yr old healthy brother who's 33kg but shorter... Fark carried him to his bed and I think he's the only one who really knows Said's weight.. Must be disturbed..

I guess Said understood all of us out there... EVERY single thing we said must've meant something or even sparked something... And there came a point when I burst out laughing at Ana..

"Play pepsi-cola (a thumb game) and let him win.. But don't tell him.."

I was laughing not because the comment was ridiculous, but Ana was...

She bimbo- talks all the way.. Somehow, I enjoyed her tho', especially later that night... I dun think she gets some of the stuff she said herself.. I think if Said were to hang out with us that night, he'll make more sense of us than Ana ever will..

I cannot imagine his frustration being stucked in such a physical form.. It's like being dumped into a coffin and buried alive only to peak thru a small hole as the light disappears... Waiting to be saved, waiting for someone to hear, waiting for that delicious worm to crall in... waiting to be freed or be dead while your body drain out slowly... So yeah I guess he'll be waiting for another 6mths? Before his head surgery..

Also managed to observe his mom... Stroking him all the time, kissing him.. Maintaining his goatee, his meal times, changing his diaper and bathing him.. And at the same point, received us with much care, offering drinks and snacks.. Exactly like Cik Ani.. Tho' Cik Ani couldnt get to wheel Fir around to the hospital as the lift at her block don't serve her floor.. I remembered that she carried him like a small baby thru' 3 floors all the time... Said's mom also massages him every now and then.. Talks to him consistently to keep him smiling... Does it so naturally and positively...

Looking at this, I think I'll never make it as a 'mom'... EVER... I can't even take care of myself..

Then after that, all of the 6 of us, went out to eat and hung out at Mc' Cafe... Fark made me realise how much Sun I've been sleeping thru'... And it was a SaturDAY.. People were just everywhere.. I just got really sick from all the hussle and bussle... Made my headache worse...

And apparently, alot of people don't know that pornography and porn- anime is existant here.. Don't worry, I won't put up the sites here... Over here, they are appreciated as 'ART'.. The bullshit of denial.. C'mon guys, it ain't that bad in Singapore... And did you know that the well- celebrated FHM photographer used to work with bottles before the REAL curves?

Ana entertained me.. She's a real dancer and a lousy singer... Funny lil' girl who leaves the cares of life to her future husband.. And yeah, she's alot fairer now... Same small, noisy girl...

Mirza kept on interviewing me about life- love, marriage, weddings and financial plans... Things I dare not share with anyone at the moment and just tried my best to dismiss them with yeah's, hoping no one noticed.. You know, like it's so disappointing to let people know of your plans that NEVER worked out right? So many questions I tried to avoid that night.. Ambitious and detailed, Mirza is...

Sophan seemed happier.. He always had that troubled look at school... But yesterday, it wasn't there.. Must have someone in his life, I guess.. Realised how dark he is...

Fark was the same, but he look as tho' he gained more weight.. Everytime I see him, he's getting rounder and rounder.. Maybe he should give some of it to Said.. He seems to be radiating alot of heat.. Sat in between Ana and him.. He brought the temperature really high, cos I wasnt as cold (physically and emotionally) as I usually would be, hot in fact.. And I'm sure it wasn't Ana...

Hafiz.. The ever quiet one who has a good sense of direction and get the group moving, playing follow the leader... I want to warn him against going to Common Engin, but I guess, different people have different views... and I don't want to give the wrong information and impression.. Cute orange phone..

And yeah... EVERYONE got a new phone...

Or maybe I havnt seen them THAT long...

After that, Ana and I (the King) left early, leaving the boys to have their own fun.. Headed to Changi to meet Derek and Nisaa at a BBQ.. Forever eating.. Hung out with them for a couple of hours before being sent back to my ever- missed school...

Yeah, sch reopens tmr... I'm a dead duck who has 2 incomplete assignments and delayed lab work...

Change...

Doc, you know how much I love changes..

Obsessed, in fact...

Maybe that's why I love cutting my hair so much..

But something happened at work that turned out scary.. I was doin graveyard and punched in at 11pm, as always, and realised that a trainee is to punch out at 11.. And so bumped into him... It was Khairul, no, not the Khairul I've been mentioning in my blog... We had a primary school reunion there.. Hahaha...

He still looks the same... The same oily- looking, strictly side parted hair and same smile... But his tatoos.. On his arms, face, neck and God knows where... And acne problems invaded his face... Has said he's got a nice ass, but I didn't get to chance to observe... And he also puts on eyeliner... And I think he's working out.. Somewhat semi- built...

WOW.. I didn't really expect him to turn out that way... A total MAT*...
*a term to describe a typical Malay boy

And to think he's one of the smartest Malay boys in primary school... AND that he's Aszy's cuz..

He talk the same tho'... Reminds me of Michael Jackson a lil'.. Haha.. With the eyeliner and soft- shrill voice..

Recently, Salleha's been talking about goin back to her past and how nice childhood was... And Farkhan, blogging about his beautiful past during puberty...

I can relate to them but somehow, I don't want to go back to the past...

I did have a wonderful childhood, but I was a spoiled child with maids attending to me living in a big terrace house in a private estate and travelling around the world half the time... Sounds like paradise, but I rather have the life now where I know what is going on, how I'm able to control it and how the mistakes done are ALL MY OWN bloody fault.. All I wanted in life, as a child, is independence.. Now that I've got it, I won't complain.. It's far more beautiful and enriching than all the toys and all the travelling I had...

And puberty... Mine wasn't that beautiful... Yes, I did remember my first kiss and all.. But it wasn't a big deal to me.. Especially when the guy's a jerk.. I grew pretty fast, having an almost static teenhood from 12 to 17... I'll try to put up photos here..

Maybe it's because I had friends way older than I was.. Friends I made in internat'l schools and overseas..

When you're an early bloomer, you'll see your friends thrill over something you've explored 2 years earlier.. You'll see them growing boobs and ass while you've had them at 12.. You'll see them growing taller, than you'll ever be.. You'll get to see their first period... And you'll see them making the same mistakes as you did, like shaving, smoking and junking...

And while most girls start making out with their boyfriends at 15 or 16, I had my first kiss at the age of 11.. And while at 15 or 16, they had to handle boys and get to talk about them together, I was struggling when I was 11, cos I had no one to turn to... I just crept in my bed at night crying over some guy trying to rape me and told no one.. It was when my friends started to mention about it, 2 YEARS LATER, did I get the chance to get it all out... By that time, all innocence were lost and there's no point talking..

There are some things I regret losing, but NEVER my ex- es.. You may think I'm in denial.. But when you know how close friends we are, you know I never lost them.. And I never regretted losing my best friends, cos right now they turn out to be bitches.. The very reason I parted with them in the first place.. Things I regret losing are the very simplest joys I never realised I had:

1) A grandfather
2) Loving parents
3) A good education
4) Good skin
5) Freakazoid

You might think I'm cold and evil... I believe there's a higher power controlling death and love.. Thus I shall not blame myself for losing people and love...

But have you ever wondered why my memory is so short? Why I force myself to forget things? Even when they are good?

I hate to dwell in the past.. Cos the present is a wreck too much for me to handle... And I'm loving it... Maybe in the future I will regret this moment where I can actually have control and be in my youth.. Or maybe I will still apply the same concept:

The past?

FORGET ABOUT IT!

I like changes, see? But please, one thing that should never change: Free music... haha..

Shall we dance?

Ok.. a total of 11 mosquito bites..

7 on my legs and 4 on my arms.. I blame the shorts but I cant help feeling hot..

And yeah, I've got two other girls with me in shorts.. One on each side... (No wonder it's hot!)

We've been watching both versions of 'Shall We Dance?'. The original in Japanese and the remake with Jennifer Lopez and Richard Gere.. Bet all of u guys dunno that! Salleha and Aisyah are now asleep, as usual, leaving me wide awake in the middle of the nite, smothering myself with lotions that dun seem to help...

How come they dun get the bites?

Been having lotsa memories triggered last few nites thru my dreams.. Rarely do I get dreams, but these are important for me to share..

Last time this happened was when a dear friend took her own life, as you all know..

Ok another bite... And to think Sal's tutor is down with dengue..

Let's not sidetrack.. Dreams dreams dreams...

I've cheated.. And it's not once or twice or thrice.. And last nite, I dreamt of the times I cheated Abriz.. Both times.. I feel bad now and realised why he's happily married now and why I'm still stucked single, schooling and itching so badly..

I think it was the question that Salleha asked the night before,

"So is he happily married now?"

"I guess so."

It's quite scary.. 'Cos both times, I deliberately did it.. Not for revenge, but out of boredom.. Trying to prove myself that a boy- girl relationship can NEVER be serious enough for my full commitment and trust..

When I was is Turkey, I even forgot his face (or even being) while passionately making out with a jerk turk underwater.. I didn't reply msgs or picked up his calls..

Then I remembered the time with Ryan in Aust.. I wasn't drunk, but just plain horny and gave in..

Seriously, I've been questioning myself the message behind these dreams..

Finally linked it to my unstoppable lecture- and tutorial- skipping habits.. I just can't commit, cant get bored... Pampered and spoiled to the core, not appreciating or evaluating the opportunites PRESENTED to me..

And also to my sex- deprivation for the past 6 weeks of school... It's driving me nuts! So just now, I finally gave Farhan the green light.. I mean these sinful acts of cheating must have been an act of boredom.. Boredom of physical inactivity..

Please, Yati.. WAKE UP!!!!

SORRY

Sorry for the long pause...

I know right now you might be thinking that I'm deliberately ignoring you just for revenge. But seriously, technology's not siding me now... I'm not even in my room facing my laptop... And I've been piling on unread e- mails from you and school... And I do realise that I cannot go back to my room every nite, just to blog... It's almost addictive and self- destructing... Doc, I don't mean to get mad at you, so please, don't get mad... I can't stand the hostility, the by- the- book procedures... It's driving me nuts, adding to my ever worrysome state of sanity...

Sorry for the photos...

Ok... I owe alot alot of ppl photos... But it ain't my fault ya... My 'I- don't- wanna- get- my- own- camera' sis just HAD to beg me for the camera for teacher's day... And she doesn't have her own card.. And so HAD to borrow mine with all my other photos in it...

So yeah photos I owe:
1) Usha's B'day
2) Samz' B'day
3) My grandmama's wedding
4) Khairul's farewell

Sorry for my absence...

Been missing lectures... I havnt been attending any lectures this week.. Today is my last chance to go for two lectures.. Later at 2.30 and another at 3.30 p.m. ... So yeah... I owe alot to Magd.. She's been there all the way for me in lectures... And sometimes I think I left her alone to attend lectures... Maybe she has already given up the idea of sitting with me in lectures ever again and now turns to her classmates for company... I didn't even know about the upcoming math quiz.. Anyway, Happy Belated Birthday, gurl... Soooo soooo sorry...

Sorry for the excuses...

(Eyes shut and hands clamped together) Sorry, Val... I didn't mean to work thursday nites and leave you hanging by the bar alone... So so sorry... Sorry to ppl I cancelled plans with so that I could catch sleep... And Val, ARE YOU BLIND?! I don't look like Angelina Jolie! At least I wish I did... Haha.. Now you have a guy fantasizing about the wrong person.. Bitches and sluts...

OK ENOUGH MISS NICE YATI!!!

I've been wanting to kill someone so so bad...

AISYAH"S ROOMATE, SUFANG..

You better watch out fucking bitch! How dare you evict Aisyah out of her own room??!!! DAMN YOU!!!

I will hunt you down and kidnap you and make you prey to Ain's sex deprivation...

I'm telling you, Ain's gonna rape you soo bad you'll have to pee through a tube! On a WHEELCHAIR!

I'll kill you!!!

Aisyah, how can you be soo damn calm about it???!!!!

ok... I'm tired to continue.. shall end here....

Lurrrve,

YATI...