I feel like...

UPDATING..

Haha.. I know... Cheesy me...

Ok.. Since school ended, life runs through it's usual course... Again.. Which means, more stuff to do, so lil' time, but less stress..

Things I should remind myself to attend to ASAP:

1) Subject registration next sem
2) Call up my friends in Aust to meet up when I get there
3) Confirm work schedule for next week
4) Taridrama on 3rd Dec and full dress rehearsal later
5) Inline skating trainings starting this Wed
6) Starbucks event day
7) Tell Siti and gang I'm probably not here for ZoukOut
8) Confirm with my cuz abt our trip to KL

And I choose to ignore about driving, photography, hostel housekeeping and Firman... Yes, Firman, please know you will be ignored for these 5 weeks ahead, and maybe even more, k? All I can say to you here, which I did just now, is... Fuck you, yes you..

And people, I WILL NOT respond much to sms-es and won't pick up calls, cos... I don't want to??? And that I'm most probably not in the same continent as my phone.. So I do expect alot alot of 'Fuck Yati' going about.. I know you guys wanna make plans and BBQs and trips, just don't expect me to be there to contribute blood or money so that YOU will be happy.. It's MY turn and I'll take another card, and risk losing the bet for all YOU AND I care..

Another thing, do go down to ANY Starbucks on 8th Dec from 5pm to 7pm 'cos we'll be giving away free drinks... Although I will be in deep shit, from all the Frappucino slams, I look forward to this event.. As reported, last year, in that 2 hours, we had 6 hundred odd orders.. All proceeds will go to the salvation army.. So if you wanna donate, don't bother.. Just go to Starbucks, and your orders will turn out to be a good deed.. All you have to do is wait 5 minutes for your drink and drown in coffee.. You don't even need to fork out anything..

And damn, I wanna get tanned.. Went to Siloso with Sal on Sat and smothered tanning lotion, and NOTHING happened... Fuck my skin.. Will try again and again and again.. I don't care!!!

Work, werk, vork, verk... Yes, very tiring, but worthwhile... Missed everyone in the store... Miss it's smell and the smiles... And now we're totally themed Christmas... I just got my red tee.. Since I'm the last one to receive it ('cos I havn't been working the whole month), I had no choice but to settle for M- size since S is out of stock... And the tee's soo big, it ends below my huge ass.. So I look like a big goof: Christmas- tree- wannabe in that red tee and GREEN apron.. What a cheesy combination: Red and Green.. They're SUPPOSED to be complimentary colours tho'... Not in my head..

Tmr I work graveyard with Sam, as always... And Aszy's 4 months pregnant and Lynn left to work at Kinokuniya without a word.. Seriously, I think evryone in store is pissed with that.. We don't care if you wanna leave, but please, tell us something, because we care about you.. Leave graciously and we'll probably even bring more business to Kino.. And still, I feel like a dumbass for not realising Azsy's pregnant.. Lil' Aszy's running aound the store, asking for whipped cream, topped with caramel and chocolate drizzle... That's something to look forward to...

Still alot of partners to work with and bitch about.. Hahaha.. I miss em all...

And I realise I'm really horny all the time... I hope I'm not the only girl... Maybe I have too much guy- hormones(whatever they are) in me... Am very very tempted to club again and again and again.. But I will refrain..

According to Doc, it might be a transition of lifestyle.. From making out with different girls every nite to trying to avoid making out with guys at all... It's really been tough for me... Heterosexuality is really stressful and tiring... Guys are fun and all, but a lil' too jerky, disgusting and at most times, risky, especially if you're both very fertile... All I can say is, SHAVE! For the perfect texture, look, and most importantly, smell.. Please, shave... Guys, you know you sweat alot, spare us girls.. We shaved ourselves for you, so please, return us the favour...

Will attend the last session.. Specially for you, Doc...

It's time to

PARTaaaY!!!

Woohoo.. I dunno why, but I wish to talk a lil' some about the paper I had just now, so if you're not interested, skip the next 3 paragraphs..

HL 802 Engineering Fiction: Science and Technology in Literature...

Yes, I do take odd subjects like these.. The Literature of Science... For those interested, please take it next sem (if available).. Seriously, it's probably the easiest examinable subject that will earn you the academic units you so dread.. It's just 2 lectures a week (yes, NO TUTORIALS, NO ATTENDANCE- TAKING).. In the 1hr slot, we discuss books and the 2hr slot, movies! There are no actual formal texts (good for those who don't really read novels and would like to save money) for this, but we did discuss about Frankenstein, The Time Machine and Brazil.. The movies we watched: Pandaemonium, Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, Around the World in 80 Days and another one which I forgot.. The exam is just a 2hr paper consisting of 4 essay questions, out of which, choose ONLY 2! They aren't entirely text based, more theme based questions which are mainly discussed in the lectures...

These were the questions I got:
1) Discuss the Romantic figure of the outcast with reference to Mary Shelly's novel Frankenstein. What is its legacy for the science fiction novel in and beyond the nineteenth century?
2) By closely drawing on 2 or more of the novels or films we have been discussing, explain their narrative uses of time travel paradoxes.
3) How is ratiocination used and represented in the nineteeth- century fiction?
4) Discuss the genre of Dystopia with reference to 1 or 2 nineteenth- century works.

I know, they sound tough, but if you break it down, it's relatively a discussion about anything and everything under the Sun during the 19th century.. And as a bonus, Miss Tamara Silvia Wagner gives chocolates she bought from Swiss during movie screenings and regularly falls sick to cancel lectures without make- ups... Lecturers like that are hard to come by... Hehe.. I think the reason I bother about this subject is because she made it 'care- free'.. Somewhat EVERYTHING is my decision- no rules, no requirements, no competition.. I mean seriously, who would ever think Yati would LOVE to read about time machines, mad scientists and monsters?

Ok, back to life.. Yesterday, I went to get my black shirt from Bedah at Far East Plaza, 'cos she's working at The Grand Hyatt.. She has no HP, which was a BIG problem cos I came 5 min late.. So I waited there like a dumbass for 45 min and later, went to hotel itself to find her... Yes, people, please know I have a BIG patience.. Bad enough she held on to it for WEEKS, did not bother to call me up to return it, had me to go get it instead of she coming to me, did not care to wait 5 MINUTES for me, but made me wait over an hour (outside and inside the hotel) to get the shirt! Seriously, I don't know where all this patience come from.. And to make it worse, her fellow collegue passed me a note to go out with him, 'cos he'll end his shift in an hour.. "Just wanna make fwens.."- MY ASS..

But when I met her, empathy came over me.. I mean, I worked with hotels, and trust me, it ain't easy.. So rare to see her so smart and polite and FULLY CLOTHED.. So yeah, complimented her and gave her a hug and told her I missed her.. Again, I really don't know this side of me ever existed..

And the guy passing me the note was kinda a cute gesture which I missed in ever naughty, naive, shy BOYS.. Now that I mainly date post- NS, I- like- to- show- off- my- car, smooth guys who have good pick up lines and a huge sign saying 'I would like to bang you tonight. Primal please.' all over their foreheads, I miss the sweet innocence of boys.. Peadophilic me.. Hmmm.. Hehe.. This is the 4th time I'm changing those pantyliners... And please, keep those dark, delicious chocolates away!!!

Back to life, again.. Then I just gave the guy smile (it means 'NO') and walked out.. And yeah, as usual, the shopaholic stopped over Kinokuniya to buy unnecessary books and stationery and then to Women's Secrets for a panty and then to Forever 21 for a useless top.. As I walked back to the MRT station, I realised how much I miss those huge pictures of GUESS? models.. My gawd.. The models are so HOTT!!!

These were my days in Cedar which I never appreciated.. In those days, Lonerz will come down to Orchard Road almost every single day and watch movies at Lido.. And Aidil will always bring me clubbing around town and Zouk.. Town area is always so vibrant, busy and full of interesting faces and activites.. Since I got to JC, Tampines is my everything and now in uni, Jurong Point... I shall make more effort to go to town more often.. In the day, of course.. At night, it's a whole different story..

Where are those chocolates??

Your dating personality profile: Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates. Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.

Your date match profile: Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need. Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Outgoing 2. Liberal 3. Athletic 4. Sensual 5. Adventurous 6. Big-Hearted 7. Funny 8. Stylish 9. Practical 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Conservative 2. Adventurous 3. Practical 4. Big-Hearted 5. Athletic 6. Outgoing 7. Sensual 8. Intellectual 9. Funny 10. Stylish

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

got it off Ain's blog.. Hehehe.. I'm athletic?? With the junk I eat, I think I'm 'athletic' in the food department...

And I need a conservative guy?? My gawd.."Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need"... WTH??

But I have to agree with the adventurous and practical part.. 'Cos on Monday, I went to Bugis, then to Arab Street, Lil' India, Mustafa Centre, Sim Lim and lastly, Plaza Singapura...

ALL ON FOOT..

I NEED an adventurous guy who can walk.. I mean REALLY WALK.. 5 hours non- stop, the least...

Waiting... waiting and... waiting..

1) For the laundry...

I just put the whites to wash.. So yeah, instead of sitting on the machine, this time, I decided to update my blog while Doc will still read it..

2) For later...

SENTOSA!!! I've yet to pack my mat, volleyball, clothes, toiletries, etc.. Hope today's weather will burn me.. Salleha will be my alarm clock..

3) For THAT guy...

Had a long chat with Sal just now, 'cos both of us are just so stressed about our future and how we are so unprepared as adults.. And both of us have huge crushes on guys and don't know why.. My infactuation was all the way since I was 15, and Salleha, in JC 1.. I AM still in love (infactuation) with the guy and still don't see which part I'm actually attracted to.. To make myself feel better, I talk alot about my ex- es, namely Abriz, Iqbal, Derek and Sophie to other people, because at that time I was SUPPOSED to be in love with them, instead of getting off to that particular someone ELSE.. So yeah, doesn't mean I talk alot about my dates, I love them.. I just NEED TO FEEL in love with them.. In actual fact, that crush walks about my head every 3 seconds... I'm a good liar, if you still can't tell..

In denial...

4) My results...

The paper is hard enough to wait for, the results? Harder.. I'm preparing myself to get an ACADEMIC WARNING.. hehe.. preparing myself for war next term..

5) For my shirt from Bedah..

That bitch!!! Where's my fucking black shirt?? Do you know how long it took me to find a shirt that fit my long torso?? That's probably one in a million black shirts that doesn't seem to be hanging 3/4 down my body!!! I WANT IT BACK!!!!!!!

6) The holidays..

Hmmmmm... I'm planning for it already... I can't wait to get back to Starbucks and work my ass off... I miss work sooooooo much.. Can't wait for a trip with my cuz to KL and my vacation to Aust... And I can't wait for the Taridrama to be over, so that I can start enjoying life entirely without thinking about school stuff... I'm gonna have to plan for my next sem, for this hostel, and how I'm gonna move my stuff out.. Hahaha.. That's a true challenge..

7) For the next Ramadhan..

Yes, I miss the holy month.. Anw, I have some pics of raya here.. Basically the first 2 days, 'cos I didn't jalan raya much due to the exams... And yeah, duit raya is a very very sad amount... Some ppl think I'm 24, working and getting married soon.. No one can see me as the FULL- TIME undergraduate.. Click on em to a 1024..

Enjoy..



Dig in, ppl..



It's amazing how my mom made all the cooking look like hers...



Living room with all the munchies...



My cousins and my sis.. Songket is in style right now..



The guys from me dad's side.. It's scary how my brother will eventually grow up to look like me.. (He's in grey, along with my dad)



Visiting my grand uncle with my cousin (she's in white)..I'm in brown..



Kak Ida and her son, FAIS!!! She's only 21 now..



I think he's the most handsome mat out there..



Yeah... I love kids...



And more kids..



Especially the one living with me..



Who's continuosly being punk'd...

That outing..

Doc was just reminding me that even though therapy's gonna be over, that doesn't mean I need not blog til then..

Hehe.. Sorry.. Was truly very busy with exams.. Exams I screwed up- upside down...

Apparently, to some people, I don't seem to attend school and that I have no passion whatsoever about computer engin... All I can say is, I'm lucky to have this timetable... It's catered to people like me, who sleep late, can't wake up and feel like eating every 2 hours... And passion? It's there.. Ability's the problem..

And it doesn't mean that if music is blasting from my hostel room all the time, I'm partying... I'm STUDYING... I NEED music to study.. My dear toiletmates are shocked to know that.. Haha.. Impressions I make..

I may look like the 'slenger', 'relek', partying, anti- studying type, but if you see how I fill up my time for the past few weeks, you know I'm dead fucking serious... Even for myself... I may not look nerd- ish or scholarly, because I do see the importance of looking and smelling good...

For the past week, my transformation into an owl was almost complete... Almost everyday, I was studying from 9pm to 8am, sleep from 9am to 12noon, have papers from around 1pm to 5pm and in the other 6 remaining hours: either reflecting about my life or eat or bathe or be horrified at how difficult the papers were or playing the canang at practice for the upcoming Taridrama...

And I hope next sem ain't gonna be this packed, since therapy's gonna be over, and work?? I've yet to decide whether or not to quit.. Quite thankful my timetable isn't as routinely as Sal's: 8.30am to 2.30pm... I'll be bored to death and probably won't attend school at all..

I have 2 more papers ahead, but both electives.. So I'm taking things a little slower now.. Going out jalan raya just now, and on monday- SENTOSA!!!

My parents, brother and Adreena are in Thailand.. Flight was just now, while I was at Kallang area.. I hold the keys to my dad's car, and wanted to offer the guys to drive, but being responsible and all (ahem!), I decided not to.. It's quite disappointing that my dad failed to inform me earlier of their flight.. I mean I havn't seen them for 2 WEEKS and when I pack all my stuff from the hostel (toiletries and clothes), all excited to be home for the weekend, THEY ARE NOT THERE! Seriously, if they were home, I won't jalan raya... I miss 'em too much.. But hey, I got guilt- money from dad.. 200 moolahs..

And Salleha can't seem to be able to make up her mind whether to go jalan raya.. Basically, it's quite weird, sometimes.. I mean, really, I can't blame them for having to serve the nation, so yeah, unlike her, I didn't expect a fun roller coaster ride of laughter and jokes and giggles.. I'm okay with anything and everything... Sometimes, I really feel like the husband waiting for the wife to make up her mind after switching them 20 times... To me it's JUST AN OUTING, so have fun while you can, don't bother about how they aren't as fun as your girlfriends, 'cos they aren't so close to you.. It's Raya, and it's real sweet for friends to meet up and visit each other's house, even if you're not close... That's the spirit of Raya..

So first, we went to Said's, where it seems that only Fark can talk.. I really suck at this things... Said's a guy, and in my society, I can't go all touchy with him... It's really good to see him getting better.. I'm really really happy for him.. Seriously am... What seemed to be all hopeless, is now almost fully -recovered.. But still, he can't talk.. And I didn't express much of this just now, but....

HE RECOGNISES ME!!!!!!

Yay!! Yay to the ever forgetful!!! (ahem).. I mean really, he looked at me and smiled!!! And probably did that thrice!!

And his head looks better, he's gaining weight, now probably 40kg... And he could sit up on his own, smile more.. It's great... Especially for Wani, I guess... As a not- so- close- friend, I'm already so very happy... So I can't imagine what it's like for the girlfriend.. And it's great to see him respond so much to Fark, even in his sleepy state.. Fark can talk alot.. I mean ALOT.. I admire his grandma.. A real sweet lady, despite the hunch, bothers to cook and receive guests.. I shall aspire to be her one day..

So then we went to Fark's... Journey seems to be a LOOOOONNG trail of uncontrollable bladder problem.. Then it was Ruz's... And then I had to rush off to meet my sis to get some stuff from her before she goes off with her friends..

Seeing all their families, was quite a joy.. It's a real variety.. From Said's with all the children, to Fark's with no chilren, to Ruz's who were quite the opposite of him... And the women of these houses cook!! My, my... If only I had the luxury!

Ruz and Azlisya are totally gonna get married.. She's a real nice, sweet thing who is all graceful and polite... And Seri, although a lil' late, made it.. At least, she was invited.. hehe..

And out of all the women there, I'm probably the only one who gained weight during Ramadhan.. Haha...

All of them seem to be quite fascinated with my married life.. All of them want to drive a car someday.. And all of them seem to have grown alot since JC...

And to Fark, quit asking me "And then what?"

This is probably the THIRD time I'm saying this in my blog, but I shall NOT reveal my plans for the future.. I have my career and financial plans, which I will keep to myself, until I achieve them... Reason? I can't bear the disappointment of not achieving them and worse, letting others see me in much misery of my own disappointment...

I can't wait for Monday.. Get tanned, sand in my undies and bruises from playing volleyball... Aaaaahhh... The life of a very deprived beach bum...

Coming to the end..

1 down, 4 to go...

Math paper was tough.. Or maybe it's because I didn't mug last night.. And went shopping at IMM instead.. May the markers be merciful..

Today, photos, but only 6 of em.. First 4 are taken by me, the last two is by Sheila (See Oct 30, 'A month too short..').. Caught me dozing off on the floor while watching TV.. Didn't even realise she shot me until I used my dear cam.. Anw Sheila, something's wrong with your e- add.. I can't send the photos.. If you want the rest, sign in at MSN and ask me, k?

Basically, today, you guys get to see what I've been eating.. Yes, I'm VERY unhealthy.. I don't exercise regularly, eat mostly at night, don't count calories, instant/fast food junkie and am trapped in my hostel room due to the exams..

And some news for the class at the end of this post, along with a reply to a mailer...

Enjoy..


Seafood baked rice from NTU's Cafe by the Quad.. Huge oyster..



Supper at 3 a.m...



Something I made: Corn beef salad..



This is above my head when I sleep..



zzzzzzzz.....



More ZZZZZZZZZ......


Ok.. It's confirmed.. If I behave til the end of this year, I'll be therapy- free... Doc will announce it next class, which I won't be able to attend...

I will miss you crazy, real people... Goodbyes are hard for me, but please treat this like a goal.. Someday, you will be therapy- free too... And being one of the seniors of the group, I feel very much unneeded there, and probably hindering your way out of there... I thank you for your love and support in making this ride amazing and inspirational.. I had probably grown the most this year, and it's all thanks to you guys...

And yes, I've yet to decide what to do with this blog.. All the entries are mainly influenced by the topics we discussed in class and I wrote them with Doc and ONLY Doc in mind, which resulted to most of the entries being very much close to my heart... I have no ideas otherwise on how to write without him as a purpose.. Please help me decide...

Some plans:
1) Continue writing to Doc
2) Treat it like a journal, for the sake of my memory..
3) Turn it into a photo blog
4) Delete it
5) Abandon it

***********************************************

This is a reply to a mailer who read too deep in between the lines of a post (See Oct 28, 'Herbie Hancock: Possibilities') and everyone else who thinks I'm REALLY married:

It's very cute of you.. But..

ARE YOU NUTS???????

NOOOO!!!! I'm not married to Salleha... We never took vows or anything... We are just LIVING AS A COUPLE which pretty much relate to being MARRIED.. When we are together, we do things married couples do, like

1) Do laundry together
2) Wait for each other to finish school (work), to go for dinner together
3) Shop for groceries together
4) Call each other "Honey" and have stupid pet names. (I call her 'googley bear' and she calls me 'hello panda'.. hehe)
5) Watch TV and movies in our room together
6) Sometimes, sleep together
7) Get on each other's nerves with our habits
8) Make plans for the holidays together

Basically, we've pretty much become 'family'... But hell no, I don't make out with her.. We're still very much like sisters in that way...

And another thing, we're not 'husband and wife' or 'wife and wife'.. We're 'husband and husband'...

The deadest duck a duck can be..

Math paper in 2 days and I'm still trying to understand statistics... Fuck all these papers.. I don't give a damn anymore.. I look at Salleha in admiration.. Her determination to score.. Her drive to survive and compete.. While I'm happily floating away...

WEEEEEE... For now, that is... Boo hoo later..

Something scared me just now.. My mom called me up.. She wanted to clean my room and asked if it's ok,

"Oooo.. Ma nak bersihkan, Ti tak (kisah).. Um, takpe Ma, nanti Yati bersihkan sendiri." (Mom, if you wanna clean it, I don't (mind).. Um, but nevermind, later I'll clean it myself.)

My gawd... I almost slipped there... Living in the hostel made me forget all the stuff in my room... All the toys I hid... My mom would probably have a heart attack if she found them...

Now married and all, I rarely had the chance to use them and just go on hungry and horny all the time.. Can't deny all this.. I mean, I'm human... And half my mind is still wondering whether my mom just went ahead to clean my room.. The other half is just numbers and figures...

But hey, don't get me wrong.. I don't go to sex shops to specifically get a dildo.. I don't need to, people just get them for me.. A typical big birthday joke- To open up presents in front of your friends only to blush at the sight of a huge dildo/ vibrator.. So far, I've collected 3...

A pink one, a purple and silver one and a life- like 9 incher..

People kept on giving me such presents because they know I won't get offended.. In fact, they KNOW I find these things useful.. Especially all the thongs and the scented candles..

All burried deep in my room... It's a good thing being apart from them... Their absence made me understand myself and help me discover ways to combat cravings... But still, I'm as insecure as an 11 year old bringing her first sanitary pad to school..

Hey Doc, my cravings come in a cycle.. Is this like normal?? I mean I know girls get PMS for certain periods of the month.. So does this include horniness?? Or am I like the only girl out of 7 who get this? Or is every other girl denying their craving??

This is my observation: 3 days before my mensus begins, my mind starts drowning in sexual thoughts. Until the day right before I get it, my thoughts were the dirtiest, most kinkiest and terribly unexpected from a girl like me.. And to stop thinking about it, I do stupid, physically- demanding stuff, like jogging, or scrubing, or skating, or swimming.. Anything to make me sweat.. And when the blood begins to flow, I start to slow down, feeling disgusted with my own mind and guilty with my thoughts... And so I resort to chocolates, especially dark chocolates with extremely high cocoa contents..

Pass the phase and I become human again.. The cycle continues.. This observation has been consistent for the past 3 months..

So Doc, should I continue like this??

I mean, it's relatively healthy, doncha think? It makes me work out, eat anti- aging agents like dark chocolates and makes me far more imaginative than I ever thot I could be..

Or is it abnormal and will have unknown side effects??

Thought this should be discussed in the next class.. Can't wait for the hols.. Starting to miss the class and of course, you, Doc...

Today's front page: Doc approves painkillers on ex- addict's request!

hahaha.. that's right... yeeeeeeeesssssss.. hahaha.. finally!! The moment has come!!!

no laa.. just kiddin, ey, doc?? Will never abuse.. I'll swear.. It's really painful..
So here's what happened..

About 2 to 3 weeks ago, something happened to my left wrist.. Me being me, just dismissed the pain and hoped to get better until it got worse recently.. But yet, I still refused to get help...

And of course, I HAD to fall.. Fell forward... Used my left hand to prevent smashing my face into the ground when suddenly, in all that impact, my left wrist failed to function... Was in so much pain that I almost fall again..

It was Sunday and the only clinic nearby was this neighbourhood Medina Clinic.. Went there and the doctor there said that I delayed too long.. 2 weeks is just too long.. Even if there is a fracture or something that's not much that can be done.. He carefully pressed on different bones on my left hand and told me get X- ray-ed at the medical centre at NTU if available.. I've yet to go for it.. I mean really, both my hands look the same (maybe the left look bigger, now).. Shouldn't be that bad... Right??

So yeah, was given a cream, some nonsense pill and PAINKILLERS... hehehe...

I called doc and later that night, he said they were okay.. yay!!!!

But yeah, its really troublesome... Born left- handed, I'm very much dependent on it.. It's natural for me to carry shopping bags with it, sling my bag on my left, grabbed poles on the bus with it, adjust my bra straps with it, play pool with it, etc.. Now that it can't even bend 80 degrees upwards or downwards, I HAVE to use my right.. And damn it, my right is just so damn bloody lazy! But it's smart tho'.. When I was 5, my mom pushed all my pencils, crayons and brushes from my left to my right.. Now the whole process repeats itself.. All pushing to my right..

So people, don't ask why I seem quite retarded these few days... I can't use my favourite hand!

Watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind with Sal just now, again... Yeah.. All the memory losses kinda remind me of my frustration to remember things.. But it's not the same tho'.. I mean they went thru' a 'process' to erase those memories.. Mine just went poof!! And then I get all mad and cranky when I know I must've forgotten something important.. I think I developed a habit when little that is now very uncontrollable..

But heck, these things we treasure sooo much are in the past.. It doesn't matter if I remembered them or not.. It's not like other people are gonna treasure those memories anyway..

Yes, I know Doc, that's the very reason I'm supposed to blog.. I can't believe I entertain your unreasonable demands sometimes..

Maybe there's a reason why I love photography so much.. A natural attraction.. Irresistable, in fact.. Never really thought of that..

O yeah.. I can't really remember when Mirza is supposed to leave for Brunei? Or was it Taiwan?Hmmm.. I know he told me before.. And I intended to get him something.. I feel bad right now.. I almost forgot all about it..

I have a thing about people leaving the country.. Seriously, ALL my friends who went out of this island, came back different.. Even I.. Every time.. A holiday, a funeral or something, I come back different.. Be it only a week.. So yeah.. Hope Mimi won't change that much.. I'll miss the ol' Mirza.. Don't forget where you came from and who you are.. Identity is that important..

This, I've probably said to every one of my friends who went out.. It's like another dimension or something.. Some twilight zone bullcrap..

Or maybe it's just Singapore that's different..

Thank You mailers..

Okay.. Unlike Ain I don't really get hate tags, but I get hate mails and negative feedbacks from certain loyal readers.. So yeah, not much entertainment here as much as 'shoot 'em dead'..

Before I get to reply and clarify certain matters to my dear mailers, I wanna get to today's post: Hari Raya..

As usual, Raya has always been a rush for my family.. EVERYTHING is last minute.. We even went down to Lil' India the nite before Deepavali and Geylang Serai the nite before Hari Raya.. My mom's shop was left in a huge mess.. And at home, we just couldn't care less..

Seriously, things have changed alot after my mom went 'business- minded'..

On Hari Raya, we had our usual routine of asking forgiveness from my parents.. And yes, I'm the only child among my siblings crying and hugging them... At that moment, I tried to recall how many times I screamed at my parents to stop fighting in a middle of their arguments and then stomped out of the house and slammed the door.. My siblings would always thank me later for doing that to stop them, but deep down, I felt torn.. Into shreds.. So yeah, the ungrateful child has a heart, a broken one at that.. Was never really good at lying to my parents.. Never really could count the times.. and it has only been a year..

It's always easier to ask forginess from God than from our own fellow human beings.. Wrongs we did God never seem to take as much effect as those we did humans..

Went to my grandmother's but didn't get the chance to connect with my new step- grandfather, as he wasn't there.. My real grandfather's presense was still strong in that house and everyone knew it.. His smell still lingers and most of his stuff are still left untouched.. 2 years gone but it seems like yesterday..

Went to my aunts' and uncles' and since I'm staying in NTU, a semester's story seems like a lifetime.. Most of them had a heart to heart talk to me.. Especially about love, marriage and money.. Warning me the dangers of life and all..

But I think they're too late.. If they knew the things I've done, they'd probably burn me already..

And seeing my younger cousins, it occured to me how much I love kids and that they give meaning to everything.. Justice and innocence are only limited to them and only they could understand and feel true peace and love.. We adults are just too distorted to ever be humans again..

Sometimes, I wish things were simpler.. Like my mom working office hours or maybe just stay a housewife.. Or maybe my dad lets me be financially independent- to pay my own bills and school stuff.. Or that my elder sis won't be so damn fucked up and give a lil' attention to her own daughter.. Or maybe I won't be so damn forgetful and reverse my habit of blocking out stuff..

But it's hard.. Nobody's perfect.. Going from one house to another, I've yet to find a perfect lil' family in which all of its members get into their roles naturally.. Not forgetting their lines, switching roles as and when required, projecting their voices to the hall and not slipping on their costumes..

My family is dysfunctional, no doubt, but talking to my relatives made me realise that my family might just be quite the better few.. And yes, we may not be perfect, but God and life are fair.. IF you see the big picture..

The poor may look as tho' they're suffering far more than the rich, but actually, there is a balance.. My family is somewhat in between.. At times, I wish my family were poorer so that we'll never forget to treasure what we have now.. But again, sometimes I think the poor would rather remain poor..

The poor may have to put up with hunger, hard labour and limited expenses, but the rich, it's far more complicated.. Not affected physically, but mentally and emotionally.. From my family alone: I suffered from depression and insomnia, my parents troubled by their investments, their marriage and their affairs, my sis struggling as a young unmarried mother and my younger siblings all neglected and expected to grow up on their own..

It almost sounds like 'Days of Our Lives'..

But as one aunt told me yesterday,

"One after another, problems come. At most times, another comes before the previous is solved. And the smarter we think we are at solving these problems, the harder they get. And at times, we'll be torn to think for ourselves or for others."

Yes, she's having problems. Her words kept repeating over and over again in my head. I can see it in her eyes, she's troubled... But well hidden with the new flat 42 inch plasma TV, her new orange chevrolet, all the wonderful cooking which even includes a self- made ice cream cake and her announcement of her daughter's wedding next year.. Perfect icing to cover the burn beneath..

Much truth in that.. It's like, spiderman..

"With great power comes great responsibility."

If I were to solve my problems thinking of only myself, I'll probably achieve my ambitions, but I'll be alone and detached from the world.. I'll have no place to call home, no kids, no husband and probably be very rich.. No, I shall not reveal how I see myself in 10 years.. Sorry to disappoint..

And I always thought her family was perfect, but as she poured out her heart to me, I'm grateful of mine..

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I'm doing this more publicly so that before you send out those hate mails, you might reconsider..

To mail #1: The anti- lesbian..

Yes, I am a muslim and I've gone quite deep in the lesbian world. I'm sorry to have tarnished our Muslim's reputation, but I do believe it's between me and God.. And as I've said in the previous post, I'm trying very hard to pull myself out of that lifestyle.. And in a post a very long time ago, I said I never believed that lesbians ever existed, they are just a bunch of women, more expressive and affectionate than others.. Physically, we women just can't fuck one other, and finger fucking don't count.. I fell soo many times in the same hole (hehe) and I do believe that I have to climb up the ladder alone to get out.. Not even you can pull me out..

And it doesn't mean that if I decide to change, I'll have to burn down all my ex- lesbian hangouts and clubs.. My lesbian friends and ex- es are humans too, and I have no right to judge.. They've been there for me, and even tho' I no longer support thair sexuality, I'm not against it.. Because to me, lesbians never did exist in the first place.. They might never be wrong in the first place to provide pleasure to their similar gender because some of them just do it out of loneliness not really love or lust..

Imagine: What if your own mother was a lesbian when she was young? If you had known, will you kill her? Ignore her? Knowing that she let it go and got pregnant with you, will you stay anti- lesbian? Will you forgive, or do you actually have the right to forgive in the first place?

People change and make mistakes..

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Mail #2: The anti -porn

Yes, I do take pictures of nudes, but I've never done it outdoors.. The funny thing is, how can you assume I was doing porn? I have no license to.. And I do it for my own learning.. Actually, they are not really porn because no one's fucking.. No oral or BDSM involved either... Seriously, try taking candid shots of people, portraits and human expression.. It has been really tough for me and I do use volunteers for practice, but like I said in another post, I never abuse.. You can say that lighting plays the energy in the photo, but hell, working with people, it's tough to superpose their energies with that of the most perfect lighting.. I've been pratising and I still suck at them...

And on a more relevant note, if you decide to be anti- porn, why not be anti media? Seriously, don't you think R21 movies are just as bad? Even MTV is just as bad.. Women in bikini without any form of padding leaves very little to the imagination...

Anyway, porn doesn't make men expect more from women.. I do believe that we women want to increase our bustline, not because of men, but women ourselves.. Yes, porn do feature the D- cups and above... and yes, there are people out there who prefer to masturbate rather than having the actual intercourse.. But I do believe that men aren't that shallow to hate small breasts on amazing, smart, kind, beautiful women because it is more evident that most men aren't as perfectly sculpted as most women.. And yes, most of the cumming, orgasms and huge tits are STAGED.. There is the real world, where in Singapore, the average size is a 34B..

I'm not supporting porn or anything.. Thing is, to me, it's like TV.. If a kid sees it, he'll might not grow up right.. But maybe, he might turn out to be all the more mature than other kids..

Seriously, if I caught my bf in the middle of getting off to playboy, I'll ask if he needs help.. I'm quite sure I'd rather be his choice than a bunch of photos..

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I'll reply to the other mails when I feel like it.. Til then, good night..

Selamat Hari Raya, people!!

Wow.. Time flies ey.. Tonight, the moon will tell...

To my dear class members, please do not link me on your blogs.. I don't do it to you and I expect the same treatment, thank you very much..

So yeah.. I didn't get a full month afterall.. On Monday, my body was trying to be funny and turn my back on me.. It bloodily demanded a 3 days break and of course, I'll have to repay them back when everyone's eating their hearts out within a year...

Been helping my mom alot these days.. So many things to do, so lil' time.. I just finished writing my electronics lab report.. damn confusing, I tell ya..

Yesterday, I cleaned out the shoe cupboard.. My gawd, I think I threw out AT LEAST 20kg worth of shoes, maybe 25, even.. They filled 2 big bags, each weighing like Adreena (14kg).. And yet, we still have lots and lots and lots of shoes out there.. I ran out of space to rearrange them and this EXCLUDES the shoes in the house..

Imagine living with 5 women in one house, ALL shoe- obsessed.. My dad must be one traumatised guy.. My bro? He likes shoes too.. Realised yesterday, that my dad and I actually have the least number of shoes.. But both of us have good, comfortable, long lasting shoes, unlike my mom and sisters who don't believe in a 'good investment' and buy their shoes based on design and cost, instead of comfort and quality...

Been at the shop alot too.. And with tudong on, I attract even more freakier people.. Don't get me wrong.. Girls, keep your tudong on.. I'm a natural freak magnet.. I've been experimenting last few days as Salleha think it's safer with the tudong since the incident when I was stalked by two guys (long stalking story, doc and Sal know, you can ask em)..

Case 1: 2 days ago, an Indo guy, followed me from Masjid Sultan all the way to Raffles Hospital.. And he did it so freakily to follow my pace at only 3 feet behind me! Then at an odd time, when I was about to speed up to lose him, he ran towards me and asked me where's Bugis Village..

I said I'm going to the Burger King (to buy dinner) nearby there and told him he could follow me and I'll show him..

Stupid question to ask a girl in tudong: Are you Muslim?
Another stupid question to ask in a middle of a Malay conversation: You can speak Malay?

So yeah, we chatted and I slowed my pace to his.. Nice guy actually, tall and quite cute too, just a lil' airhead.. He's an arab mix and thought I was one too.. He was talking Indo all the way, so I had to SLOOOOOWLY process the conversation in my head and answer every question 2 seconds too late..

And he told me that he's studying in NTU too and asked for my number so that we can keep in contact and that I can show him around Singapore.. Empathetic, I was, because I did attend school in the US and Turkey before, and wished I had people free enough to bring me to places.. So I gave him my number, reluctantly, almost doubting him..

And yes, I should have trusted my instincts.. I knew it!!! Men and lies, I should have already known! He called me that night at 11pm and asked if I were asleep (Another stupid question!).. I said I usually sleep at 4am and asked which hall in NTU he's in.. Know wad he said?

"I said my FRIEND is staying in NTU and I'm visiting him, til Friday."

At least that's what's registered in my head, filtering thru' the thick Indo accent.. I mean, seriously, I couldn't have missed that part while we were walking! Bloody liars.. Should've lied that the hp I was holding belonged to my mom or something...

"Kamu sudah ada pacar?" (You have a boyfriend?)

"hehehe (laughing to myself, to cover my anger and embarrassment). Maaf ya, saya sudah ada yang punya." (Sorry ya, I'm already attached)

"Pacar kamu beruntung, ya. Yati cantik bangat. I can't help stop thinking of you. Sebab itu saya telfon. Saya mahu ajak Yati kluar." (He's lucky. You're very pretty....... That's why I called. I want to bring you out.)

"Um, saya mahu mandi, maaf ya. Bye! Slamat malam!" (Sorry, I need to bathe. Bye! Good nite!)

"Kamu mandi lewat skali? Saya..." (You bathe so late, huh? I...)

I cut him off right there.. Yeah right!!! My fat ass, I'm cantik!!! Even my non- existant boyfriend don't say that to me.. Fuck you, you damn bloody he- bitch! There I was, all deceived, thinking I'll have a new Indo friend at school, only to end up a lousy liar! Stupid, lousy- at- directions- stalker! And he still had the cheek to want to bring me out?? Where, may I ask???

Case 2: Was working at the shop when a bunch of guys, probably in their late 20s, kept hovering around our shop.. So I asked them,

"Dik cari aper?" (What are you trying to find?)

Yes, I always make myself 'older' so that old grannies and makciks won't be too afraid to call me 'dik', instead of 'nak'.. 'nak' sounds too yuck for me.. even my mom don't do that.. yuck!

"Abang nak cari baju kurong. Untuk girlfriend abang. Size dier macam adik. Boleh adik try ni, pas tuu tunjuk kat abang?" (I want to find a baju kurong. For my girlfriend. She's about your size. Can you try it and then show me?)

"Oooo.. Ok.. Boleh.. But I suggest you bring your girlfriend here, because sometimes ader minor differences, cam panjang lengan, bahu and sometimes the kain won't fit." (Yeah, sure.. Bla bla bla.. because sometimes there are minor differences, like arm and shoulder length and....)

"Tuu takpe. Dik try ajer." (Nevermind about that. You just try.)

"Maa.. Boleh tolong Yati? Ader orang ni nak beli baju and he wants me to try it." (Mom, Can you help me? There's a customer who wants to buy this and...)

As my mom stepped out, the rest of the bunch chuckled and laughed at their friend buying the baju... So yeah.. I didn't care at first and just did as what the customer wanted.. I came out and the guys there discussed and gave a thumbs up. Then, this part freaked me:

"Mak, sebenarnye, saya ni nak belikan baju ni untuk Yati." (Mom, actually, I want to buy this for Yati)

My God!!! Bloody hell?? How dare he?? Already calling my mom like his own (mother- in- law)??? I just smiled like it's a whole big practical joke.. And the thing is, my mom can continue with it??

"Yati! Kau nak tak? Dah dapat baju raya lagi satu ni." (Yati! Do you want it? You're getting a new baju raya.)

"Ooo.. Really? Dier nak belikan? I don't mind having another. Tapi kalau nak belikan takkan belikan baju ajer? Beli dengan tudong ke, cincin ke, kasut ke? Takpe, kiter accept NETS." (.... He wants to buy it for me?..... But if you want to buy, why stop at clothes? Maybe with a tudong, or ring or shoes, perhaps? Dun worry, we accept NETS)

Yes, trying to be gracious there, in all my blurness of what's going on, which then turned to embarrassment.. But hey, I took it as a compliment.. And after talking a while with my mom, all of them just went out, some (pressured) bought tudongs, eventually..

"Maaf ye. Kiter main main ajer. Jangan marah ye." (So sorry. We were just joking. Don't be mad ya.)

"Hehehe. Kiter pon main main ajer. Slamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir batin ye." (I was joking too. Slamat Hari Raya. Sincere apologies too ya.)

I bet I made him pee in his pants when I called my mom out.. haha..

What I don't understand is why I attract older, more desperate guys when in tudong.. I mean seriously, the more I sound unavailable, the more the thrill they find.. Or is this just a game guys play?

5 points for asking out a tudong girl.
10 points for asking an attached girl out.
20 points for flirting with a girl while in presense of her mom.
5000 points for making out with a tudong girl in public.

Make me understand..